Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Mom = not always easy!
Tonight I sit hear and my heart is heavy...tears in my eyes...frustrated. We were riding around our little town tonight and we passed the school. My upcoming 2nd grader said "There is my stupid school that I am not going to be in 2nd grade at"! It broke my heart! At 7 he hates school! He begs to be home schooled....kind of hard when your mom is a teacher!!!! My heart aches for him! This is something that I cannot fix! We have struggled since he was young. I have apologized more times than I can remember for my sweet boy. I'm sorry he is running around, I'm sorry he touched that, I'm sorry he isn't listening, I'm sorry he broke that...I'm sorry he did that...I'm sorry he did this or that....I have left many times from a place and just cried my eyes out. It is hard to be a mom! It is really hard to be a mom of a child that is made special! My little guy has known he was special for a long time. When he was just three he would say, "but....mama...my brain just won't let me". Honest to goodness, I believe him!! His brain is wired totally different. He sees life wide open! He works on impulsive. He works with kindness! As I sit here and cry....I want to change the world for him! I want to make it easy for him! He is smart kid....but his spirit has been dampened because he isn't a "normal" child! I want people to see how smart he is...not that he struggles to read or write. I want so badly for him to be successful and not have to struggle. We sat on the bed tonight and just talked. I talked to him about things and what was going on. I asked if he understood why God made him different. He said that he knew God made him different from his friends. He said "he made me crazy". I told him that crazy was an awesome thing. It meant that he wasn't like his friends. God made him extra special. God made him see the world like I wish that I could! I want him to understand that he is special in a GOOD way! We talked about how he has to work extra hard to get things. He struggles with reading and we work every day on it and he HATES it! He reads one page and cries! I asked him tonight he if really wanted to be able to read and he wouldn't look at me. He buried his face and gave me two thumbs up and then even put up his feet! Don't mistake his frustration and hating to read as he doesn't want to....it is just HARD and he shuts down! It broke my heart that he wouldn't look at me....he is embarrassed that he can't read chapter books like his friends.....he wants so badly to do good!!! I want to take this away. My sweet guy has the biggest heart and wants to do so well and please everyone! I just needed to vent....I need someone to listen...feel my tears! It is easy to put on a brave face! God gave me this sweet little boy for so many reasons! I appreciate those "kids" that don't fit the mold for so many reasons now!!!
Monday, May 12, 2014
My wish for my boys.....
We always new we wanted more than one child. Having children is not something that comes easy to us! Even though it isn't easy, I didn't want to jump right into having another child right after my first. I think God had bigger reasons for this too! He knew there was NO way that I could handle a baby with hurricane of a toddler he had given me! And I was okay with that! I wanted to enjoy every minute with my oldest! I also had to watch him every second....literally....every second! My first son was such a joy! He was happy and enjoyed life to the fullest which meant mommy was often left exhausted and in tears! We decided to take Mr. Busy Body to the zoo when he was about three.
We stayed in a hotel for the first time with him! That was an experience and another story. It wasn't until that trip that I really decided that I wanted another child. I wanted another child because of the sibling bond that I wanted my son to experience. That night at the hotel we took him swimming. He was in the pool with my husband. There was another family swimming that night too. There were two little boys around ten and six. Bryson couldn't swim for watching those two boys interact. I just sat there and watched him. He took in every interaction that went on between those two boys. He just sat there....still, calm, and in total awe. I sat on the side of the pool and just watched his little face. It made me sad. I wanted him to have a sibling, however, I knew there could be a chance that he would be the only one. This hurt my heart! I honestly had not realized how much he needed someone else in his life until this moment. With all my heart, I wanted him to have what those two little boys had. I wanted him to have a sibling!
Over the past few months, I have seen this bond develop between my two boys. It was hard in the beginning. Bryson really didn't' have any interaction with this brother for the first two months. I wasn't sure how he would respond with a new baby. The time lost between them wasn't even a factor. I think it made their bond stronger. Bryson knows how much we prayed for Eli. He knows how awesome our God is for giving us Eli and his health. Bryson is a protector! Bryson will always take care of his little brother. I have watched them together for countless hours over the last four months. I love to hear Bryson sing to him, to read to him, to make him laugh, or just lay with him.
Tonight my heart was truly touched! Without being asked before Bryson ate his supper he said "close your eyes". He also told Eli to close his eyes..... Bryson began to pray over his meal. His prayer was to thank God for giving us Eli. He told God thank you for giving us Eli and making sure he was healthy so he could leave that old hospital. He also told God that he was glad he gave us Eli because he loved him so much. He thanked God for Eli's health and then Bryson said "God, we can't wait for him to reach one, two, three, or even seven". My six year old son just said the most amazing heartfelt pray for his brother! This six year old had realized all on his own how powerful our God is. Bryson realized how much good God has done for our family over the past few months. He knew how sick Eli was and how God has protected him!!! The bond I have always dreamed of......the bond between brothers!! This was the best day after Mother's Day gift ever! If you know Bryson, you will appreciate the way he ended his prayer....Bryson said "thank you for dying on the cross for us God, just thank you and you have a great evening"!
We stayed in a hotel for the first time with him! That was an experience and another story. It wasn't until that trip that I really decided that I wanted another child. I wanted another child because of the sibling bond that I wanted my son to experience. That night at the hotel we took him swimming. He was in the pool with my husband. There was another family swimming that night too. There were two little boys around ten and six. Bryson couldn't swim for watching those two boys interact. I just sat there and watched him. He took in every interaction that went on between those two boys. He just sat there....still, calm, and in total awe. I sat on the side of the pool and just watched his little face. It made me sad. I wanted him to have a sibling, however, I knew there could be a chance that he would be the only one. This hurt my heart! I honestly had not realized how much he needed someone else in his life until this moment. With all my heart, I wanted him to have what those two little boys had. I wanted him to have a sibling!
Over the past few months, I have seen this bond develop between my two boys. It was hard in the beginning. Bryson really didn't' have any interaction with this brother for the first two months. I wasn't sure how he would respond with a new baby. The time lost between them wasn't even a factor. I think it made their bond stronger. Bryson knows how much we prayed for Eli. He knows how awesome our God is for giving us Eli and his health. Bryson is a protector! Bryson will always take care of his little brother. I have watched them together for countless hours over the last four months. I love to hear Bryson sing to him, to read to him, to make him laugh, or just lay with him.
Tonight my heart was truly touched! Without being asked before Bryson ate his supper he said "close your eyes". He also told Eli to close his eyes..... Bryson began to pray over his meal. His prayer was to thank God for giving us Eli. He told God thank you for giving us Eli and making sure he was healthy so he could leave that old hospital. He also told God that he was glad he gave us Eli because he loved him so much. He thanked God for Eli's health and then Bryson said "God, we can't wait for him to reach one, two, three, or even seven". My six year old son just said the most amazing heartfelt pray for his brother! This six year old had realized all on his own how powerful our God is. Bryson realized how much good God has done for our family over the past few months. He knew how sick Eli was and how God has protected him!!! The bond I have always dreamed of......the bond between brothers!! This was the best day after Mother's Day gift ever! If you know Bryson, you will appreciate the way he ended his prayer....Bryson said "thank you for dying on the cross for us God, just thank you and you have a great evening"!
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Going Home......38 days later
Sorry for the delay!! It isn't easy going back to work with an EXTREMELY colicky baby!! Lack of sleep is about to KILL ALL FOUR of us!!! We are all suffering! Anyway, we are still extremely blessed and like my mama always says....this too shall pass!!
The day we brought Eli home was very emotional. I am still dealing with the whole ordeal. It is hard for me to think about the 38 days we spent in the NICU. I am sure I will get better with time about dealing with my emotions and the entire experience.
We got word on Thursday that Eli would be coming home any day. We knew the time was getting close, but we still couldn't wrap our heads around it. We were still so unprepared. No crib, bottles, formula, diapers, pacifier, preemie clothes....all of those things you pick up as the date gets closer. I was extremely nervous....I couldn't imagine being a first time mommy and having a preemie. It was such an emotional experience that I don't know if I could go through it again. I missed three months of my pregnancy. Some people might think that is GREAT, however, after you have been through what I experienced physically, emotionally, and then the worry of your unborn child. Nope, I will take those last three months of nesting and tiredness anytime!
It was a very surreal feeling as we pulled up to the hospital and took in clothes to bring him home in. These are things that are not normal. You bring your baby home after two or three days after you deliver them. I had been living my life with my newborn living under a different roof for 38 days. I'm not saying I know how anyone feels because I have never been in an adoptive mothers shoes, but that is almost what it felt like. We were going to pick up our baby. I wasn't able to bring him home right after delivery. There was excitement and extreme nervousness. I compared to an adoptive mother bringing a child home for the first time.
We had to complete a discharge class before we could leave. It was basically all of the basics for a first time parent, but the preemie edition. This made me even more nervous. CPR for a preemie.....how they might stop breathing.....feeding issues.....illness and back to the hospital. By the time the class was over, my nerves we shot!!! I know.....it doesn't take much for my nerves to be frazzled at this point, but it is now real. Our miracle baby will be going home!!
During the middle of the class, I get a call that my debt card had been stolen and they canceled my card. Great!! Just great! Another thing to add to my list! I didn't let this bring me down! I know what struggle and adversity is....but my God brought me through it! He allowed me to deliver a very healthy (uncommon) 29 week baby boy who was breathing on his own. He continued to show me how wonderful and powerful he is! He provided for Eli so many times! I have been truly blessed!!
I'm getting chill bumps and the tears are welling up in my eyes as I type this. We packed up all of his stuff in his little bed. We packed all of his clothes, diapers, and supplies from the last 38 days. In a blink, it was all in a bag and there was just little Eli in his bed ready to join his family! We dressed him and got him ready to meet the outside world. I was terrified of the germs! I was terrified to use the elevator! I was terrified as we waited in the lobby for the car! I was terrified of germs!!! I didn't want him to get sick. That is what they preach to you in the NICU. Keep your baby away from others. Do not go out. It is cold/flu/RSV season. If they get sick, they will more than likely be on a ventilator fighting for their little lives because cold/flu/RSV are so devastating for a preemie. This is a hard pill to swallow as a mom! I am his defense! I am his protector. I have to keep him well! I have to make the right decision about his health. I have to make sure everyone washes their hands. I have to make sure people aren't sick when they are around him. I have to take him back and forth to doctor appointments and keep him well!! I have to protect this little tiny miracle! Talk about STRESS!!!
We strapped that little five pound baby miracle boy in his car seat and the nurse lead us out the door. We said our goodbyes to the staff and nurses and in that instant the last 38 days were in the past. We were on our way to starting a new journey. The journey of raising another bouncing baby boy!
The day we brought Eli home was very emotional. I am still dealing with the whole ordeal. It is hard for me to think about the 38 days we spent in the NICU. I am sure I will get better with time about dealing with my emotions and the entire experience.
We got word on Thursday that Eli would be coming home any day. We knew the time was getting close, but we still couldn't wrap our heads around it. We were still so unprepared. No crib, bottles, formula, diapers, pacifier, preemie clothes....all of those things you pick up as the date gets closer. I was extremely nervous....I couldn't imagine being a first time mommy and having a preemie. It was such an emotional experience that I don't know if I could go through it again. I missed three months of my pregnancy. Some people might think that is GREAT, however, after you have been through what I experienced physically, emotionally, and then the worry of your unborn child. Nope, I will take those last three months of nesting and tiredness anytime!
It was a very surreal feeling as we pulled up to the hospital and took in clothes to bring him home in. These are things that are not normal. You bring your baby home after two or three days after you deliver them. I had been living my life with my newborn living under a different roof for 38 days. I'm not saying I know how anyone feels because I have never been in an adoptive mothers shoes, but that is almost what it felt like. We were going to pick up our baby. I wasn't able to bring him home right after delivery. There was excitement and extreme nervousness. I compared to an adoptive mother bringing a child home for the first time.
We had to complete a discharge class before we could leave. It was basically all of the basics for a first time parent, but the preemie edition. This made me even more nervous. CPR for a preemie.....how they might stop breathing.....feeding issues.....illness and back to the hospital. By the time the class was over, my nerves we shot!!! I know.....it doesn't take much for my nerves to be frazzled at this point, but it is now real. Our miracle baby will be going home!!
During the middle of the class, I get a call that my debt card had been stolen and they canceled my card. Great!! Just great! Another thing to add to my list! I didn't let this bring me down! I know what struggle and adversity is....but my God brought me through it! He allowed me to deliver a very healthy (uncommon) 29 week baby boy who was breathing on his own. He continued to show me how wonderful and powerful he is! He provided for Eli so many times! I have been truly blessed!!
I'm getting chill bumps and the tears are welling up in my eyes as I type this. We packed up all of his stuff in his little bed. We packed all of his clothes, diapers, and supplies from the last 38 days. In a blink, it was all in a bag and there was just little Eli in his bed ready to join his family! We dressed him and got him ready to meet the outside world. I was terrified of the germs! I was terrified to use the elevator! I was terrified as we waited in the lobby for the car! I was terrified of germs!!! I didn't want him to get sick. That is what they preach to you in the NICU. Keep your baby away from others. Do not go out. It is cold/flu/RSV season. If they get sick, they will more than likely be on a ventilator fighting for their little lives because cold/flu/RSV are so devastating for a preemie. This is a hard pill to swallow as a mom! I am his defense! I am his protector. I have to keep him well! I have to make the right decision about his health. I have to make sure everyone washes their hands. I have to make sure people aren't sick when they are around him. I have to take him back and forth to doctor appointments and keep him well!! I have to protect this little tiny miracle! Talk about STRESS!!!
We strapped that little five pound baby miracle boy in his car seat and the nurse lead us out the door. We said our goodbyes to the staff and nurses and in that instant the last 38 days were in the past. We were on our way to starting a new journey. The journey of raising another bouncing baby boy!
Monday, January 6, 2014
Wow....never imagined!
As I sit here and write a STACK of thank you notes, I am beyond humbled! I have never felt so loved! It is so amazing how loved sweet Eli already is by friends, family, and perfect strangers. I have been amazed at the love, generosity, and kindness of others. It has restored my hope for our world. It also makes you appreciate a small town. I am not going to mention names in fear of forgetting someone, but I have been blessed beyond measure during this journey!
My family has been beyond amazing and supportive! I had my house and yards cleaned from top to bottom by several amazing people in my life! They both spent their entire Saturday cleaning, so that we could come home to a spotless house! If you know me, I am a freak about my house and having it clean. With everything going on, it had been neglected! I have had amazing babysitters for my oldest son. I worry about him because he can be a little wild. I seem to be his advocate and wrangle him back in! However, I let go of all control and he stayed with several family members during the ordeal. I knew how loved he was. I knew we was in good hands and would be loved. I have also had friends pick up Bryson and love him like their own. Many have given up things they needed to do in order to help us out with Bryson!! I have had family already babysit both boys so we could have a night out together! It is very hard to stay indoors without talking or seeing people!! Everyone needs to get out now and then!! I am so very thankful for all of these people. It really makes you step back and think about kindness and friendship and what it means!!!
I am so thankful for all of the Facebook messages, comments, prayers, texts, and phone calls.. I may have not been able to respond to everyone, but know they were read and very much appreciated. I can't tell you how many times people have asked me how my sweet baby was doing, and I have no idea who they are!! They know about my sweet Eli because they have been praying for him because of you! Because wonderful people like you put him on your prayer list at church, you put him on your prayer call circle, and kept following his story. I am beyond grateful for your prayers and your church families! My sister walks in business and several people will ask her how sweet Eli is! Eli is a true miracle! He is a testament to God's mighty power! He is a very small witness with a very big story!
We have received many gifts of love! I have been so touched by the kindness of others! You never know who your story will strike a cord with or who has also been in your shoes. I have encountered this many times. We were blessed by an amazing group of people at NES! They donated gas money! We never expected anything like it! We never expected help, we just asked for prayers! We were so touched! I have been showered with love and gifts with great stories behind them. I had a friend and former co-teacher return a book she had for over a year. She just left it on the back porch. It took me over a day to get the book, but inside the old Pete The Cat Christmas, was an amazing card and wonderful gift of love from my sweet and very missed friends at LPS. Believe me, it was very much appreciated!!! I am also thankful for my friends and family at SES and all of their love and support. Our past church family gave us a tremendous gift of love also! Again, we have been so blessed! I had students donate gas gift cards! Friends bringing supper! I was touched with an amazing gift of frozen meals, easy to cook foods, and gift cards to restaurants to make supper easier for us during this challenging time in our lives. We have had people run errands for us! These are people that I might not speak to on a daily bases, but goes to show you how deep friendship goes! We have had countless acts of love shown upon our family! One of the sweetest gifts we received was a card in the mail with $25.00. They told us their were praying for our family and wanted us to use the money to have a pizza or family night! The best thing about this gift! It came from a four year old little girl! It came from her giving jar! How amazing is that! What an awesome mom to start teaching her child the act of giving at such a young age!! Again, I have been so touched!!! Words can't express how much we have been blessed! Yes, it was a very long road and it was challenging. The challenges are not over, but with the love and support we have been shown, I know we can manage!
Even doctor offices have been understanding. They make appointments for us first thing in the morning or after lunch so you don't have to wait with all of the sick people or with others in a waiting room. They have also allowed me to wait in my car and they will come out and get me when they are ready for us!
We have been blessed with clothes, food, and lots of prayers and support! We have had handmade blankets and hats made for Eli!! I can't thank each and everyone of you enough! I couldn't have made it this far without all of you! I will be honest, I struggled in the beginning! I held it all in! I tried to handle it myself! You can't! You have to let others help you! Then you realize how much things could have changed and been even worse. My pediatrician was shocked when I told him why Eli came early. He said I was doing great for having a placenta abruption. He said in the last ten years he has lost four moms to a placenta abruption. Makes you think!! I thank God for my life and my sweet little Eli's life everyday!!! Thank you all again for your help and kindness!!! If I forgot anyone or anything that needed to be mentioned, I am so very sorry! We do appreciate all of your kindness and love!!! Thank you ALL so much and know we LOVE each and everyone of you!!!
My family has been beyond amazing and supportive! I had my house and yards cleaned from top to bottom by several amazing people in my life! They both spent their entire Saturday cleaning, so that we could come home to a spotless house! If you know me, I am a freak about my house and having it clean. With everything going on, it had been neglected! I have had amazing babysitters for my oldest son. I worry about him because he can be a little wild. I seem to be his advocate and wrangle him back in! However, I let go of all control and he stayed with several family members during the ordeal. I knew how loved he was. I knew we was in good hands and would be loved. I have also had friends pick up Bryson and love him like their own. Many have given up things they needed to do in order to help us out with Bryson!! I have had family already babysit both boys so we could have a night out together! It is very hard to stay indoors without talking or seeing people!! Everyone needs to get out now and then!! I am so very thankful for all of these people. It really makes you step back and think about kindness and friendship and what it means!!!
I am so thankful for all of the Facebook messages, comments, prayers, texts, and phone calls.. I may have not been able to respond to everyone, but know they were read and very much appreciated. I can't tell you how many times people have asked me how my sweet baby was doing, and I have no idea who they are!! They know about my sweet Eli because they have been praying for him because of you! Because wonderful people like you put him on your prayer list at church, you put him on your prayer call circle, and kept following his story. I am beyond grateful for your prayers and your church families! My sister walks in business and several people will ask her how sweet Eli is! Eli is a true miracle! He is a testament to God's mighty power! He is a very small witness with a very big story!
We have received many gifts of love! I have been so touched by the kindness of others! You never know who your story will strike a cord with or who has also been in your shoes. I have encountered this many times. We were blessed by an amazing group of people at NES! They donated gas money! We never expected anything like it! We never expected help, we just asked for prayers! We were so touched! I have been showered with love and gifts with great stories behind them. I had a friend and former co-teacher return a book she had for over a year. She just left it on the back porch. It took me over a day to get the book, but inside the old Pete The Cat Christmas, was an amazing card and wonderful gift of love from my sweet and very missed friends at LPS. Believe me, it was very much appreciated!!! I am also thankful for my friends and family at SES and all of their love and support. Our past church family gave us a tremendous gift of love also! Again, we have been so blessed! I had students donate gas gift cards! Friends bringing supper! I was touched with an amazing gift of frozen meals, easy to cook foods, and gift cards to restaurants to make supper easier for us during this challenging time in our lives. We have had people run errands for us! These are people that I might not speak to on a daily bases, but goes to show you how deep friendship goes! We have had countless acts of love shown upon our family! One of the sweetest gifts we received was a card in the mail with $25.00. They told us their were praying for our family and wanted us to use the money to have a pizza or family night! The best thing about this gift! It came from a four year old little girl! It came from her giving jar! How amazing is that! What an awesome mom to start teaching her child the act of giving at such a young age!! Again, I have been so touched!!! Words can't express how much we have been blessed! Yes, it was a very long road and it was challenging. The challenges are not over, but with the love and support we have been shown, I know we can manage!
Even doctor offices have been understanding. They make appointments for us first thing in the morning or after lunch so you don't have to wait with all of the sick people or with others in a waiting room. They have also allowed me to wait in my car and they will come out and get me when they are ready for us!
We have been blessed with clothes, food, and lots of prayers and support! We have had handmade blankets and hats made for Eli!! I can't thank each and everyone of you enough! I couldn't have made it this far without all of you! I will be honest, I struggled in the beginning! I held it all in! I tried to handle it myself! You can't! You have to let others help you! Then you realize how much things could have changed and been even worse. My pediatrician was shocked when I told him why Eli came early. He said I was doing great for having a placenta abruption. He said in the last ten years he has lost four moms to a placenta abruption. Makes you think!! I thank God for my life and my sweet little Eli's life everyday!!! Thank you all again for your help and kindness!!! If I forgot anyone or anything that needed to be mentioned, I am so very sorry! We do appreciate all of your kindness and love!!! Thank you ALL so much and know we LOVE each and everyone of you!!!
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Week 5 - Ups and Downs and Getting Closer!!
Wow, when I look back on week five, our last week, it all seems like a blur. We got word from the doctors that he would be going home very soon! I kept asking what very soon was. Tomorrow, two days from now, a week! They couldn't tell me. I am a planner! A very OCD type of planner! I know someone of you reading this now are smiling and agreeing!! That is just who I am!! OCD!!! I am better than I used to be....I credit my severely ADHD husband and his mini me.....my oldest ADHD son! Anyway, I needed to be able to find a sub! This is hard work during the holidays! I was stressing because of work, I was stressing because we still had nothing done or bought, and I was stressing because we were bringing a very premature baby home!!! I knew work would work itself out and I had amazing people to help me with that worry! As far as having nothing ready, well, that would be okay too! He wouldn't remember his nursery wasn't complete or that his crib was still not even in his room! However, the part that scared me the most was bringing him home! In the back of my mind, I knew I could do it! I had to do it! He was my baby! My very small, teeny, tiny, three month early baby! I was worried about the germs, breathing, choking and everything else under the sun. I watched my first son sleep for his entire two months at home!!! Now, I have a tiny baby that really isn't supposed to breath on their own without forgetting until after 36 weeks!!! They were sending my baby home at 36 weeks and 3 days! They assured me that if he didn't have any episodes in the hospital on the monitors then he should be fine at home. It still scared me! He still wasn't feeding the best. We still were feeding him on his side because honestly, he isn't supposed to be able to suck, swallow, and breath until right now! Our little guy got a two week head start. The really scary thing was the germ factor. How can I prevent this sweet little baby from getting sick? All of the statuses I read on Facebook are people who are sick. You walk past someone on the street and they are coughing and sneezing!! It scares me!! I have a very ALL BOY six year old at home. Germ is his middle name along with a few other names too!!! This was the part that honestly worried me the most. I was worried that we wouldn't wash our hands enough and we would get him sick!!
On Monday of the final week, my little guy was doing very well with his bottle feedings. They have to be able to take all of their feedings by bottle every three hours for 48 hours in order to be able to go home. It was very nerve racking. I would call the hospital when we woke up to check in with the nurse, I would call her at lunch, I would see her when I got to the hospital after work, and then I would call the night nurse before I went to bed every night. I had too! I needed too! I was worried about him taking all of his bottles like he was supposed to. This was our ticket home! I also called because it is hard to have a baby and have no idea how or what they are doing. Yes, I know they eat, sleep, and use the bathroom, but you mom's know exactly what I am talking about. It is like when you leave them for the first time to go back to work. Well, image that on an even grander scale. Not even bringing them home and having to leave them everyday for five weeks! Anyway, when I would call I would get the update if he was able to take his bottle by mouth. I was pushing for him to be able to do it, but then again, I didn't want them to push him to hard and he not be ready. Well, he had made it 24 hours and we were on the down hill slide! Then I called to check on him and he had given up on feeding by bottle. He was just to tired!!! It broke my heart! I wanted him home so very bad. I wanted my family to all be together at home. I wanted to be normal again (whatever that is)! When I arrived at the hospital the next day, I walked in his room and fell apart. He looked so small, so lonely, and he looked weak. Call it mother's intuition, but I knew my little guy didn't look strong like he had the week before. I held him and we talked! It was time to feed him and they allowed me to bottle feed him. He did great!! We were back on track. The count down for 48 hours would start all over again from this bottle feeding. He was eating and he was eating well. The nurses all reassured me that most babies just need a break and then they won't look back!
Well, I went back on Wednesday night and the nurse said he noticed his color wasn't looking good. I freaked out!!! I had noticed it too days before!! I just thought he was tired. She said they had tested his blood and basically his iron was low. This can cause them to be weak and tire easily....exactly what he was doing. She said that in some cases if they don't bring it up he would need a blood transfusion. I fought back the tears and tried to be strong. I asked her a million questions about it. I am sure she was ready for me to hush!!! She said it was very common. Premature babies need blood all the time!! This scared me. I didn't want my baby to have someone else's blood. I wanted him to have mine! He was supposed to have mine. Apparently, they absorb the iron their little bodies need in the third trimester...well, Mr. Eli skipped the third trimester and this is why his little body was low.
I just sat there holding my little boy tight. I was worried about his little tired body. I was worried about him getting blood from someone else. I was just flat out TIRED! I was mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. I held him! We had a new roommate that day and it was the little babies aunt that was there visiting with the baby. I noticed their chart on the outside of the bed was labeled "baby a" out of triplets. I had only seen two babies associated with this family. My heart broke for them. I figured the third baby didn't make it at birth. Well, come to find out! The third baby had died the week before. The triplets were born in October and were all going home within the week. The baby boy got an infection and had to be put on a ventilator and never came off. Oh, talk about cry your eyeballs out! This hit home for me. Here we were about to go home and the worst might happen. They were talking about Eli needing blood and how tired he was. I was a wreck.
I managed to make it to the car again that night without showing my feelings on the outside. It is a long and lonely walk to your car every night all by yourself when you leave your flesh and blood on the 2nd floor for someone else to care for!!! When I got to the car, the first thing I did was get on Facebook. I knew my Facebook prayer warriors would help!! I knew how awesome my God was and he was in the answering prayers business!! I asked for prayers for Eli and his iron levels! You responded with overwhelming support and God listed to your prayers! Eli started an iron supplement the next day and he continued to eat and get stronger! Looks like we would be coming home by the weekend!!! Stay tuned.....for the fun filled events that occurred on the day we brought Eli home!!
On Monday of the final week, my little guy was doing very well with his bottle feedings. They have to be able to take all of their feedings by bottle every three hours for 48 hours in order to be able to go home. It was very nerve racking. I would call the hospital when we woke up to check in with the nurse, I would call her at lunch, I would see her when I got to the hospital after work, and then I would call the night nurse before I went to bed every night. I had too! I needed too! I was worried about him taking all of his bottles like he was supposed to. This was our ticket home! I also called because it is hard to have a baby and have no idea how or what they are doing. Yes, I know they eat, sleep, and use the bathroom, but you mom's know exactly what I am talking about. It is like when you leave them for the first time to go back to work. Well, image that on an even grander scale. Not even bringing them home and having to leave them everyday for five weeks! Anyway, when I would call I would get the update if he was able to take his bottle by mouth. I was pushing for him to be able to do it, but then again, I didn't want them to push him to hard and he not be ready. Well, he had made it 24 hours and we were on the down hill slide! Then I called to check on him and he had given up on feeding by bottle. He was just to tired!!! It broke my heart! I wanted him home so very bad. I wanted my family to all be together at home. I wanted to be normal again (whatever that is)! When I arrived at the hospital the next day, I walked in his room and fell apart. He looked so small, so lonely, and he looked weak. Call it mother's intuition, but I knew my little guy didn't look strong like he had the week before. I held him and we talked! It was time to feed him and they allowed me to bottle feed him. He did great!! We were back on track. The count down for 48 hours would start all over again from this bottle feeding. He was eating and he was eating well. The nurses all reassured me that most babies just need a break and then they won't look back!
Well, I went back on Wednesday night and the nurse said he noticed his color wasn't looking good. I freaked out!!! I had noticed it too days before!! I just thought he was tired. She said they had tested his blood and basically his iron was low. This can cause them to be weak and tire easily....exactly what he was doing. She said that in some cases if they don't bring it up he would need a blood transfusion. I fought back the tears and tried to be strong. I asked her a million questions about it. I am sure she was ready for me to hush!!! She said it was very common. Premature babies need blood all the time!! This scared me. I didn't want my baby to have someone else's blood. I wanted him to have mine! He was supposed to have mine. Apparently, they absorb the iron their little bodies need in the third trimester...well, Mr. Eli skipped the third trimester and this is why his little body was low.
I just sat there holding my little boy tight. I was worried about his little tired body. I was worried about him getting blood from someone else. I was just flat out TIRED! I was mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. I held him! We had a new roommate that day and it was the little babies aunt that was there visiting with the baby. I noticed their chart on the outside of the bed was labeled "baby a" out of triplets. I had only seen two babies associated with this family. My heart broke for them. I figured the third baby didn't make it at birth. Well, come to find out! The third baby had died the week before. The triplets were born in October and were all going home within the week. The baby boy got an infection and had to be put on a ventilator and never came off. Oh, talk about cry your eyeballs out! This hit home for me. Here we were about to go home and the worst might happen. They were talking about Eli needing blood and how tired he was. I was a wreck.
I managed to make it to the car again that night without showing my feelings on the outside. It is a long and lonely walk to your car every night all by yourself when you leave your flesh and blood on the 2nd floor for someone else to care for!!! When I got to the car, the first thing I did was get on Facebook. I knew my Facebook prayer warriors would help!! I knew how awesome my God was and he was in the answering prayers business!! I asked for prayers for Eli and his iron levels! You responded with overwhelming support and God listed to your prayers! Eli started an iron supplement the next day and he continued to eat and get stronger! Looks like we would be coming home by the weekend!!! Stay tuned.....for the fun filled events that occurred on the day we brought Eli home!!
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Jenny did you know?
As I sit here and reflect on all that has happened this year.......I realized just how blessed I am! Babies aren't something that comes easy for me! We tried over a year to have our first son and I was a nervous wreck during the entire pregnancy. The pregnancy went very well until the last few weeks when my blood pressure went up. I was able to deliver a very healthy 7lb. 13 ounce baby boy at 37 weeks! Well, when we were finally ready for a second child, it was even harder than the first. We tried for over 2 years and had started to discuss adoption. Finally, we were blessed with another healthy pregnancy. I didn't worry with this pregnancy! I was enjoying it! Then things changed at week 28!!! I know just how very lucky I am to have had two pregnancies. My heart breaks for those who so badly want to have this experience. I pray for these women. I have been there.....it is so hard to wait!
Now, as I sit here and look at my two sleeping boys, I am so very thankful!!! Life is truly miraculous! It is an amazing gift! I think about the Chirstmas song that I used to hear my mom sing in church when I was younger, "Mary Did You Know". I have thought about this song several times. Mary did you know you baby boy would someday.......and it lists a host of amazing things that her son, Jesus, would do. Here was this humble woman giving birth to the King of Kings in a stable. Mary was given a precious gift, a baby! A baby that would one day walk on water, save your sons and daughters, give sight to the blind man, calm the storm with his hand. How awesome!! Did Mary know? Here she was in a foreign city giving birth surrounded by animals. How amazing! This small baby born in a manger so meekly turned out to be King of Kings! I thought about this. This small baby I was given, this small miracle, this amazing work of God. I asked myself, "Jenny, do you know"? Do I know what he will become? What amazing things he will do? I have already been amazed in so many ways! I have been given the ultimate gift! I can't wait to see what he will do!!!
We are so very thankful this Christmas! We have been blessed! I can't even described how amazing it is to watch him grow and change from day to day. It has been amazing to watch a bond between brothers grow. My oldest son sings to him all the time! He watches over him and is amazed at the sounds and smells he makes!!! It has been a blessing in so many ways. Then today, my phone gave me my weekly pregnancy update!! It is week 36! Which means that Mr. Eli is still supposed to be baking for another month inside my body!! How totally awesome is that! Again, I get to watch this little guy mature before my eyes as he would inside the womb!
We have still had Christmas this year, just in a very different way! My family of four could not be all together as we traveled to family to family to celebrate Christmas. We did it in shifts! My husband would take our oldest son to his side of the family and I would take him to my side of the family! My sweet nephew had an awesome idea and I was able to watch my oldest open his gifts with my husband via Skype!! Everyone has been so helpful with us being on lock down!!
This week.....we received the bill!!!! I have read in my preemie books (thanks to an awesome friend for getting me this books) that the average cost of NICU per day is around $2,000 to $3,000 a week)! The bill for just the facility charges was........$120,000 for five weeks! Per day in NICU is $2,700! You know what....this is the best CHRISTmas Present EVER!!! Eli is PRICELESS!! The cost of a miracle....PRICELESS!!!! I will blog about week five very soon!! I just wanted to express how blessed I am this Christmas!!!
Monday, December 16, 2013
Week 4 - ISN
Week four was still difficult for me! This would be the first time in four weeks that I didn't drive to the hospital to see my sweet baby. Jeremy made me take a day off to stay home and keep things normal for our oldest son. Jeremy assured me that he would be an awesome "mother" to my sweet Eli for me! He promised he would feed him, love him, and talk to him like I did each day. I was still working and it made it difficult for Bryson. It was so hard not to drive to Savannah and see my sweet baby on Monday!! I knew that he was in good hands, but it was hard not to hold my newborn!
This was a busy week for sweet Eli. On Tuesday, he was circumcised. On Thursday, he has his RSV shot, and then on Friday he had an eye exam. This made for a very long week for him. He also had his car seat challenge. They have to sit in their car seat for 90 minutes with the monitors hooked up. They have to be able to sit the entire 90 minutes without any episodes. They can't have any problems with their breathing or heart rate to be able to pass their test. If they don't pass, they will be sent home with a car bed!!! You really learn a lot with a preemie!!! With preemie's they really like for them to sleep and eat. When they are awake and crying, they are using calories. The more calories they burn the less weight they put on. This week really took a toll on Eli. He didn't gain a lot of weight and was very tired. They even asked us not to hold him when we got there several afternoons at the hospital. They wanted him to sleep until it was a touch time.
He was also adding additional bottles this week. They start with one and then they will see how they do after several days. They do not like to tire the babies out with bottles. He slowed down toward the end of the week and they quit adding bottles to his orders. He was only taking two bottles a day. They thought he would do better, but with all of the events this week, it tired him out. I was okay with that. I didn't want them to push him and then he regress.
By week four, we had also already had two other roommates in ISN. The 2nd roommate was about to head home too! It was hard to see these babies leave. I was jealous. I was ready for my sweet bundle of joy to go home and be with his family. It also made me nervous. I was so scared about how I was going to keep him safe and healthy at home! I was totally fearful of germs!!
On another note, watching babies leaving the NICU/ISN is bitter sweet to watch. It makes you think of how far they have come and what a wonderful gift it is to be able to take such an amazing gift home. All I could think about was bringing my own miracle home to his amazing family and his warm home. I could only think of how blessed I was!! I was so thankful to be chosen to be Eli's mom!!! I watched different babies leave that were not so lucky. I don't know everyone's situation just what I observed. There was this very young woman that on discharge day, was all alone. She was alone to take her baby home. The nurse asked her if anyone was going to bring the car around and she said it was just her. Poor thing, she had to walk down and get her own vehicle while the nurse brought her baby down. A single mom to raise a small baby on her own. A single mom to take care and keep her baby healthy all by herself! Many times, my heart was touched and made me see how very fortunate so many of us are. We often take the small things in our lives for granted. This was God working on me! I used to be very negative about all of the things that just seemed to keep going wrong in my life. I just couldn't see the positive! Well, God has a way of waking you up! My miracle made me see the positive and how the small things are just small things! Many negative things happened while we were back and forth to the hospital, but they were small in-comparison. Our dogs were picked up and taken to the pound. One was adopted before we could get her back. Our debit card number was stolen and used. This was our only debit card. Our account was closed! Normally, I would have been devastated, however, I realized these were all small things. Things I couldn't change....God had given me a miracle. A sweet baby boy weighing three pounds. He was my big thing! He was my positive thing!! God is so amazing!!!
This was a busy week for sweet Eli. On Tuesday, he was circumcised. On Thursday, he has his RSV shot, and then on Friday he had an eye exam. This made for a very long week for him. He also had his car seat challenge. They have to sit in their car seat for 90 minutes with the monitors hooked up. They have to be able to sit the entire 90 minutes without any episodes. They can't have any problems with their breathing or heart rate to be able to pass their test. If they don't pass, they will be sent home with a car bed!!! You really learn a lot with a preemie!!! With preemie's they really like for them to sleep and eat. When they are awake and crying, they are using calories. The more calories they burn the less weight they put on. This week really took a toll on Eli. He didn't gain a lot of weight and was very tired. They even asked us not to hold him when we got there several afternoons at the hospital. They wanted him to sleep until it was a touch time.
He was also adding additional bottles this week. They start with one and then they will see how they do after several days. They do not like to tire the babies out with bottles. He slowed down toward the end of the week and they quit adding bottles to his orders. He was only taking two bottles a day. They thought he would do better, but with all of the events this week, it tired him out. I was okay with that. I didn't want them to push him and then he regress.
By week four, we had also already had two other roommates in ISN. The 2nd roommate was about to head home too! It was hard to see these babies leave. I was jealous. I was ready for my sweet bundle of joy to go home and be with his family. It also made me nervous. I was so scared about how I was going to keep him safe and healthy at home! I was totally fearful of germs!!
On another note, watching babies leaving the NICU/ISN is bitter sweet to watch. It makes you think of how far they have come and what a wonderful gift it is to be able to take such an amazing gift home. All I could think about was bringing my own miracle home to his amazing family and his warm home. I could only think of how blessed I was!! I was so thankful to be chosen to be Eli's mom!!! I watched different babies leave that were not so lucky. I don't know everyone's situation just what I observed. There was this very young woman that on discharge day, was all alone. She was alone to take her baby home. The nurse asked her if anyone was going to bring the car around and she said it was just her. Poor thing, she had to walk down and get her own vehicle while the nurse brought her baby down. A single mom to raise a small baby on her own. A single mom to take care and keep her baby healthy all by herself! Many times, my heart was touched and made me see how very fortunate so many of us are. We often take the small things in our lives for granted. This was God working on me! I used to be very negative about all of the things that just seemed to keep going wrong in my life. I just couldn't see the positive! Well, God has a way of waking you up! My miracle made me see the positive and how the small things are just small things! Many negative things happened while we were back and forth to the hospital, but they were small in-comparison. Our dogs were picked up and taken to the pound. One was adopted before we could get her back. Our debit card number was stolen and used. This was our only debit card. Our account was closed! Normally, I would have been devastated, however, I realized these were all small things. Things I couldn't change....God had given me a miracle. A sweet baby boy weighing three pounds. He was my big thing! He was my positive thing!! God is so amazing!!!
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