Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Mom = not always easy!
Tonight I sit hear and my heart is heavy...tears in my eyes...frustrated. We were riding around our little town tonight and we passed the school. My upcoming 2nd grader said "There is my stupid school that I am not going to be in 2nd grade at"! It broke my heart! At 7 he hates school! He begs to be home schooled....kind of hard when your mom is a teacher!!!! My heart aches for him! This is something that I cannot fix! We have struggled since he was young. I have apologized more times than I can remember for my sweet boy. I'm sorry he is running around, I'm sorry he touched that, I'm sorry he isn't listening, I'm sorry he broke that...I'm sorry he did that...I'm sorry he did this or that....I have left many times from a place and just cried my eyes out. It is hard to be a mom! It is really hard to be a mom of a child that is made special! My little guy has known he was special for a long time. When he was just three he would say, "but....mama...my brain just won't let me". Honest to goodness, I believe him!! His brain is wired totally different. He sees life wide open! He works on impulsive. He works with kindness! As I sit here and cry....I want to change the world for him! I want to make it easy for him! He is smart kid....but his spirit has been dampened because he isn't a "normal" child! I want people to see how smart he is...not that he struggles to read or write. I want so badly for him to be successful and not have to struggle. We sat on the bed tonight and just talked. I talked to him about things and what was going on. I asked if he understood why God made him different. He said that he knew God made him different from his friends. He said "he made me crazy". I told him that crazy was an awesome thing. It meant that he wasn't like his friends. God made him extra special. God made him see the world like I wish that I could! I want him to understand that he is special in a GOOD way! We talked about how he has to work extra hard to get things. He struggles with reading and we work every day on it and he HATES it! He reads one page and cries! I asked him tonight he if really wanted to be able to read and he wouldn't look at me. He buried his face and gave me two thumbs up and then even put up his feet! Don't mistake his frustration and hating to read as he doesn't want to....it is just HARD and he shuts down! It broke my heart that he wouldn't look at me....he is embarrassed that he can't read chapter books like his friends.....he wants so badly to do good!!! I want to take this away. My sweet guy has the biggest heart and wants to do so well and please everyone! I just needed to vent....I need someone to listen...feel my tears! It is easy to put on a brave face! God gave me this sweet little boy for so many reasons! I appreciate those "kids" that don't fit the mold for so many reasons now!!!
Monday, May 12, 2014
My wish for my boys.....
We always new we wanted more than one child. Having children is not something that comes easy to us! Even though it isn't easy, I didn't want to jump right into having another child right after my first. I think God had bigger reasons for this too! He knew there was NO way that I could handle a baby with hurricane of a toddler he had given me! And I was okay with that! I wanted to enjoy every minute with my oldest! I also had to watch him every second....literally....every second! My first son was such a joy! He was happy and enjoyed life to the fullest which meant mommy was often left exhausted and in tears! We decided to take Mr. Busy Body to the zoo when he was about three.
We stayed in a hotel for the first time with him! That was an experience and another story. It wasn't until that trip that I really decided that I wanted another child. I wanted another child because of the sibling bond that I wanted my son to experience. That night at the hotel we took him swimming. He was in the pool with my husband. There was another family swimming that night too. There were two little boys around ten and six. Bryson couldn't swim for watching those two boys interact. I just sat there and watched him. He took in every interaction that went on between those two boys. He just sat there....still, calm, and in total awe. I sat on the side of the pool and just watched his little face. It made me sad. I wanted him to have a sibling, however, I knew there could be a chance that he would be the only one. This hurt my heart! I honestly had not realized how much he needed someone else in his life until this moment. With all my heart, I wanted him to have what those two little boys had. I wanted him to have a sibling!
Over the past few months, I have seen this bond develop between my two boys. It was hard in the beginning. Bryson really didn't' have any interaction with this brother for the first two months. I wasn't sure how he would respond with a new baby. The time lost between them wasn't even a factor. I think it made their bond stronger. Bryson knows how much we prayed for Eli. He knows how awesome our God is for giving us Eli and his health. Bryson is a protector! Bryson will always take care of his little brother. I have watched them together for countless hours over the last four months. I love to hear Bryson sing to him, to read to him, to make him laugh, or just lay with him.
Tonight my heart was truly touched! Without being asked before Bryson ate his supper he said "close your eyes". He also told Eli to close his eyes..... Bryson began to pray over his meal. His prayer was to thank God for giving us Eli. He told God thank you for giving us Eli and making sure he was healthy so he could leave that old hospital. He also told God that he was glad he gave us Eli because he loved him so much. He thanked God for Eli's health and then Bryson said "God, we can't wait for him to reach one, two, three, or even seven". My six year old son just said the most amazing heartfelt pray for his brother! This six year old had realized all on his own how powerful our God is. Bryson realized how much good God has done for our family over the past few months. He knew how sick Eli was and how God has protected him!!! The bond I have always dreamed of......the bond between brothers!! This was the best day after Mother's Day gift ever! If you know Bryson, you will appreciate the way he ended his prayer....Bryson said "thank you for dying on the cross for us God, just thank you and you have a great evening"!
We stayed in a hotel for the first time with him! That was an experience and another story. It wasn't until that trip that I really decided that I wanted another child. I wanted another child because of the sibling bond that I wanted my son to experience. That night at the hotel we took him swimming. He was in the pool with my husband. There was another family swimming that night too. There were two little boys around ten and six. Bryson couldn't swim for watching those two boys interact. I just sat there and watched him. He took in every interaction that went on between those two boys. He just sat there....still, calm, and in total awe. I sat on the side of the pool and just watched his little face. It made me sad. I wanted him to have a sibling, however, I knew there could be a chance that he would be the only one. This hurt my heart! I honestly had not realized how much he needed someone else in his life until this moment. With all my heart, I wanted him to have what those two little boys had. I wanted him to have a sibling!
Over the past few months, I have seen this bond develop between my two boys. It was hard in the beginning. Bryson really didn't' have any interaction with this brother for the first two months. I wasn't sure how he would respond with a new baby. The time lost between them wasn't even a factor. I think it made their bond stronger. Bryson knows how much we prayed for Eli. He knows how awesome our God is for giving us Eli and his health. Bryson is a protector! Bryson will always take care of his little brother. I have watched them together for countless hours over the last four months. I love to hear Bryson sing to him, to read to him, to make him laugh, or just lay with him.
Tonight my heart was truly touched! Without being asked before Bryson ate his supper he said "close your eyes". He also told Eli to close his eyes..... Bryson began to pray over his meal. His prayer was to thank God for giving us Eli. He told God thank you for giving us Eli and making sure he was healthy so he could leave that old hospital. He also told God that he was glad he gave us Eli because he loved him so much. He thanked God for Eli's health and then Bryson said "God, we can't wait for him to reach one, two, three, or even seven". My six year old son just said the most amazing heartfelt pray for his brother! This six year old had realized all on his own how powerful our God is. Bryson realized how much good God has done for our family over the past few months. He knew how sick Eli was and how God has protected him!!! The bond I have always dreamed of......the bond between brothers!! This was the best day after Mother's Day gift ever! If you know Bryson, you will appreciate the way he ended his prayer....Bryson said "thank you for dying on the cross for us God, just thank you and you have a great evening"!
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Going Home......38 days later
Sorry for the delay!! It isn't easy going back to work with an EXTREMELY colicky baby!! Lack of sleep is about to KILL ALL FOUR of us!!! We are all suffering! Anyway, we are still extremely blessed and like my mama always says....this too shall pass!!
The day we brought Eli home was very emotional. I am still dealing with the whole ordeal. It is hard for me to think about the 38 days we spent in the NICU. I am sure I will get better with time about dealing with my emotions and the entire experience.
We got word on Thursday that Eli would be coming home any day. We knew the time was getting close, but we still couldn't wrap our heads around it. We were still so unprepared. No crib, bottles, formula, diapers, pacifier, preemie clothes....all of those things you pick up as the date gets closer. I was extremely nervous....I couldn't imagine being a first time mommy and having a preemie. It was such an emotional experience that I don't know if I could go through it again. I missed three months of my pregnancy. Some people might think that is GREAT, however, after you have been through what I experienced physically, emotionally, and then the worry of your unborn child. Nope, I will take those last three months of nesting and tiredness anytime!
It was a very surreal feeling as we pulled up to the hospital and took in clothes to bring him home in. These are things that are not normal. You bring your baby home after two or three days after you deliver them. I had been living my life with my newborn living under a different roof for 38 days. I'm not saying I know how anyone feels because I have never been in an adoptive mothers shoes, but that is almost what it felt like. We were going to pick up our baby. I wasn't able to bring him home right after delivery. There was excitement and extreme nervousness. I compared to an adoptive mother bringing a child home for the first time.
We had to complete a discharge class before we could leave. It was basically all of the basics for a first time parent, but the preemie edition. This made me even more nervous. CPR for a preemie.....how they might stop breathing.....feeding issues.....illness and back to the hospital. By the time the class was over, my nerves we shot!!! I know.....it doesn't take much for my nerves to be frazzled at this point, but it is now real. Our miracle baby will be going home!!
During the middle of the class, I get a call that my debt card had been stolen and they canceled my card. Great!! Just great! Another thing to add to my list! I didn't let this bring me down! I know what struggle and adversity is....but my God brought me through it! He allowed me to deliver a very healthy (uncommon) 29 week baby boy who was breathing on his own. He continued to show me how wonderful and powerful he is! He provided for Eli so many times! I have been truly blessed!!
I'm getting chill bumps and the tears are welling up in my eyes as I type this. We packed up all of his stuff in his little bed. We packed all of his clothes, diapers, and supplies from the last 38 days. In a blink, it was all in a bag and there was just little Eli in his bed ready to join his family! We dressed him and got him ready to meet the outside world. I was terrified of the germs! I was terrified to use the elevator! I was terrified as we waited in the lobby for the car! I was terrified of germs!!! I didn't want him to get sick. That is what they preach to you in the NICU. Keep your baby away from others. Do not go out. It is cold/flu/RSV season. If they get sick, they will more than likely be on a ventilator fighting for their little lives because cold/flu/RSV are so devastating for a preemie. This is a hard pill to swallow as a mom! I am his defense! I am his protector. I have to keep him well! I have to make the right decision about his health. I have to make sure everyone washes their hands. I have to make sure people aren't sick when they are around him. I have to take him back and forth to doctor appointments and keep him well!! I have to protect this little tiny miracle! Talk about STRESS!!!
We strapped that little five pound baby miracle boy in his car seat and the nurse lead us out the door. We said our goodbyes to the staff and nurses and in that instant the last 38 days were in the past. We were on our way to starting a new journey. The journey of raising another bouncing baby boy!
The day we brought Eli home was very emotional. I am still dealing with the whole ordeal. It is hard for me to think about the 38 days we spent in the NICU. I am sure I will get better with time about dealing with my emotions and the entire experience.
We got word on Thursday that Eli would be coming home any day. We knew the time was getting close, but we still couldn't wrap our heads around it. We were still so unprepared. No crib, bottles, formula, diapers, pacifier, preemie clothes....all of those things you pick up as the date gets closer. I was extremely nervous....I couldn't imagine being a first time mommy and having a preemie. It was such an emotional experience that I don't know if I could go through it again. I missed three months of my pregnancy. Some people might think that is GREAT, however, after you have been through what I experienced physically, emotionally, and then the worry of your unborn child. Nope, I will take those last three months of nesting and tiredness anytime!
It was a very surreal feeling as we pulled up to the hospital and took in clothes to bring him home in. These are things that are not normal. You bring your baby home after two or three days after you deliver them. I had been living my life with my newborn living under a different roof for 38 days. I'm not saying I know how anyone feels because I have never been in an adoptive mothers shoes, but that is almost what it felt like. We were going to pick up our baby. I wasn't able to bring him home right after delivery. There was excitement and extreme nervousness. I compared to an adoptive mother bringing a child home for the first time.
We had to complete a discharge class before we could leave. It was basically all of the basics for a first time parent, but the preemie edition. This made me even more nervous. CPR for a preemie.....how they might stop breathing.....feeding issues.....illness and back to the hospital. By the time the class was over, my nerves we shot!!! I know.....it doesn't take much for my nerves to be frazzled at this point, but it is now real. Our miracle baby will be going home!!
During the middle of the class, I get a call that my debt card had been stolen and they canceled my card. Great!! Just great! Another thing to add to my list! I didn't let this bring me down! I know what struggle and adversity is....but my God brought me through it! He allowed me to deliver a very healthy (uncommon) 29 week baby boy who was breathing on his own. He continued to show me how wonderful and powerful he is! He provided for Eli so many times! I have been truly blessed!!
I'm getting chill bumps and the tears are welling up in my eyes as I type this. We packed up all of his stuff in his little bed. We packed all of his clothes, diapers, and supplies from the last 38 days. In a blink, it was all in a bag and there was just little Eli in his bed ready to join his family! We dressed him and got him ready to meet the outside world. I was terrified of the germs! I was terrified to use the elevator! I was terrified as we waited in the lobby for the car! I was terrified of germs!!! I didn't want him to get sick. That is what they preach to you in the NICU. Keep your baby away from others. Do not go out. It is cold/flu/RSV season. If they get sick, they will more than likely be on a ventilator fighting for their little lives because cold/flu/RSV are so devastating for a preemie. This is a hard pill to swallow as a mom! I am his defense! I am his protector. I have to keep him well! I have to make the right decision about his health. I have to make sure everyone washes their hands. I have to make sure people aren't sick when they are around him. I have to take him back and forth to doctor appointments and keep him well!! I have to protect this little tiny miracle! Talk about STRESS!!!
We strapped that little five pound baby miracle boy in his car seat and the nurse lead us out the door. We said our goodbyes to the staff and nurses and in that instant the last 38 days were in the past. We were on our way to starting a new journey. The journey of raising another bouncing baby boy!
Monday, January 6, 2014
Wow....never imagined!
As I sit here and write a STACK of thank you notes, I am beyond humbled! I have never felt so loved! It is so amazing how loved sweet Eli already is by friends, family, and perfect strangers. I have been amazed at the love, generosity, and kindness of others. It has restored my hope for our world. It also makes you appreciate a small town. I am not going to mention names in fear of forgetting someone, but I have been blessed beyond measure during this journey!
My family has been beyond amazing and supportive! I had my house and yards cleaned from top to bottom by several amazing people in my life! They both spent their entire Saturday cleaning, so that we could come home to a spotless house! If you know me, I am a freak about my house and having it clean. With everything going on, it had been neglected! I have had amazing babysitters for my oldest son. I worry about him because he can be a little wild. I seem to be his advocate and wrangle him back in! However, I let go of all control and he stayed with several family members during the ordeal. I knew how loved he was. I knew we was in good hands and would be loved. I have also had friends pick up Bryson and love him like their own. Many have given up things they needed to do in order to help us out with Bryson!! I have had family already babysit both boys so we could have a night out together! It is very hard to stay indoors without talking or seeing people!! Everyone needs to get out now and then!! I am so very thankful for all of these people. It really makes you step back and think about kindness and friendship and what it means!!!
I am so thankful for all of the Facebook messages, comments, prayers, texts, and phone calls.. I may have not been able to respond to everyone, but know they were read and very much appreciated. I can't tell you how many times people have asked me how my sweet baby was doing, and I have no idea who they are!! They know about my sweet Eli because they have been praying for him because of you! Because wonderful people like you put him on your prayer list at church, you put him on your prayer call circle, and kept following his story. I am beyond grateful for your prayers and your church families! My sister walks in business and several people will ask her how sweet Eli is! Eli is a true miracle! He is a testament to God's mighty power! He is a very small witness with a very big story!
We have received many gifts of love! I have been so touched by the kindness of others! You never know who your story will strike a cord with or who has also been in your shoes. I have encountered this many times. We were blessed by an amazing group of people at NES! They donated gas money! We never expected anything like it! We never expected help, we just asked for prayers! We were so touched! I have been showered with love and gifts with great stories behind them. I had a friend and former co-teacher return a book she had for over a year. She just left it on the back porch. It took me over a day to get the book, but inside the old Pete The Cat Christmas, was an amazing card and wonderful gift of love from my sweet and very missed friends at LPS. Believe me, it was very much appreciated!!! I am also thankful for my friends and family at SES and all of their love and support. Our past church family gave us a tremendous gift of love also! Again, we have been so blessed! I had students donate gas gift cards! Friends bringing supper! I was touched with an amazing gift of frozen meals, easy to cook foods, and gift cards to restaurants to make supper easier for us during this challenging time in our lives. We have had people run errands for us! These are people that I might not speak to on a daily bases, but goes to show you how deep friendship goes! We have had countless acts of love shown upon our family! One of the sweetest gifts we received was a card in the mail with $25.00. They told us their were praying for our family and wanted us to use the money to have a pizza or family night! The best thing about this gift! It came from a four year old little girl! It came from her giving jar! How amazing is that! What an awesome mom to start teaching her child the act of giving at such a young age!! Again, I have been so touched!!! Words can't express how much we have been blessed! Yes, it was a very long road and it was challenging. The challenges are not over, but with the love and support we have been shown, I know we can manage!
Even doctor offices have been understanding. They make appointments for us first thing in the morning or after lunch so you don't have to wait with all of the sick people or with others in a waiting room. They have also allowed me to wait in my car and they will come out and get me when they are ready for us!
We have been blessed with clothes, food, and lots of prayers and support! We have had handmade blankets and hats made for Eli!! I can't thank each and everyone of you enough! I couldn't have made it this far without all of you! I will be honest, I struggled in the beginning! I held it all in! I tried to handle it myself! You can't! You have to let others help you! Then you realize how much things could have changed and been even worse. My pediatrician was shocked when I told him why Eli came early. He said I was doing great for having a placenta abruption. He said in the last ten years he has lost four moms to a placenta abruption. Makes you think!! I thank God for my life and my sweet little Eli's life everyday!!! Thank you all again for your help and kindness!!! If I forgot anyone or anything that needed to be mentioned, I am so very sorry! We do appreciate all of your kindness and love!!! Thank you ALL so much and know we LOVE each and everyone of you!!!
My family has been beyond amazing and supportive! I had my house and yards cleaned from top to bottom by several amazing people in my life! They both spent their entire Saturday cleaning, so that we could come home to a spotless house! If you know me, I am a freak about my house and having it clean. With everything going on, it had been neglected! I have had amazing babysitters for my oldest son. I worry about him because he can be a little wild. I seem to be his advocate and wrangle him back in! However, I let go of all control and he stayed with several family members during the ordeal. I knew how loved he was. I knew we was in good hands and would be loved. I have also had friends pick up Bryson and love him like their own. Many have given up things they needed to do in order to help us out with Bryson!! I have had family already babysit both boys so we could have a night out together! It is very hard to stay indoors without talking or seeing people!! Everyone needs to get out now and then!! I am so very thankful for all of these people. It really makes you step back and think about kindness and friendship and what it means!!!
I am so thankful for all of the Facebook messages, comments, prayers, texts, and phone calls.. I may have not been able to respond to everyone, but know they were read and very much appreciated. I can't tell you how many times people have asked me how my sweet baby was doing, and I have no idea who they are!! They know about my sweet Eli because they have been praying for him because of you! Because wonderful people like you put him on your prayer list at church, you put him on your prayer call circle, and kept following his story. I am beyond grateful for your prayers and your church families! My sister walks in business and several people will ask her how sweet Eli is! Eli is a true miracle! He is a testament to God's mighty power! He is a very small witness with a very big story!
We have received many gifts of love! I have been so touched by the kindness of others! You never know who your story will strike a cord with or who has also been in your shoes. I have encountered this many times. We were blessed by an amazing group of people at NES! They donated gas money! We never expected anything like it! We never expected help, we just asked for prayers! We were so touched! I have been showered with love and gifts with great stories behind them. I had a friend and former co-teacher return a book she had for over a year. She just left it on the back porch. It took me over a day to get the book, but inside the old Pete The Cat Christmas, was an amazing card and wonderful gift of love from my sweet and very missed friends at LPS. Believe me, it was very much appreciated!!! I am also thankful for my friends and family at SES and all of their love and support. Our past church family gave us a tremendous gift of love also! Again, we have been so blessed! I had students donate gas gift cards! Friends bringing supper! I was touched with an amazing gift of frozen meals, easy to cook foods, and gift cards to restaurants to make supper easier for us during this challenging time in our lives. We have had people run errands for us! These are people that I might not speak to on a daily bases, but goes to show you how deep friendship goes! We have had countless acts of love shown upon our family! One of the sweetest gifts we received was a card in the mail with $25.00. They told us their were praying for our family and wanted us to use the money to have a pizza or family night! The best thing about this gift! It came from a four year old little girl! It came from her giving jar! How amazing is that! What an awesome mom to start teaching her child the act of giving at such a young age!! Again, I have been so touched!!! Words can't express how much we have been blessed! Yes, it was a very long road and it was challenging. The challenges are not over, but with the love and support we have been shown, I know we can manage!
Even doctor offices have been understanding. They make appointments for us first thing in the morning or after lunch so you don't have to wait with all of the sick people or with others in a waiting room. They have also allowed me to wait in my car and they will come out and get me when they are ready for us!
We have been blessed with clothes, food, and lots of prayers and support! We have had handmade blankets and hats made for Eli!! I can't thank each and everyone of you enough! I couldn't have made it this far without all of you! I will be honest, I struggled in the beginning! I held it all in! I tried to handle it myself! You can't! You have to let others help you! Then you realize how much things could have changed and been even worse. My pediatrician was shocked when I told him why Eli came early. He said I was doing great for having a placenta abruption. He said in the last ten years he has lost four moms to a placenta abruption. Makes you think!! I thank God for my life and my sweet little Eli's life everyday!!! Thank you all again for your help and kindness!!! If I forgot anyone or anything that needed to be mentioned, I am so very sorry! We do appreciate all of your kindness and love!!! Thank you ALL so much and know we LOVE each and everyone of you!!!
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