Week 5 - Ups and Downs and Getting Closer!!

Wow, when I look back on week five, our last week, it all seems like a blur.  We got word from the doctors that he would be going home very soon!  I kept asking what very soon was.  Tomorrow, two days from now, a week!  They couldn't tell me.  I am a planner!  A very OCD type of planner!  I know someone of you reading this now are smiling and agreeing!!  That is just who I am!!  OCD!!!  I am better than I used to be....I credit my severely ADHD husband and his mini me.....my oldest ADHD son!  Anyway, I needed to be able to find a sub!  This is hard work during the holidays!  I was stressing because of work, I was stressing because we still had nothing done or bought, and I was stressing because we were bringing a very premature baby home!!!  I knew work would work itself out and I had amazing people to help me with that worry!  As far as having nothing ready, well, that would be okay too!  He wouldn't remember his nursery wasn't complete or that his crib was still not even in his room!  However, the part that scared me the most was bringing him home!  In the back of my mind, I knew I could do it!  I had to do it!  He was my baby!  My very small, teeny, tiny, three month early baby!  I was worried about the germs, breathing, choking and everything else under the sun.  I watched my first son sleep for his entire two months at home!!!  Now, I have a tiny baby that really isn't supposed to breath on their own without forgetting until after 36 weeks!!!  They were sending my baby home at 36 weeks and 3 days!  They assured me that if he didn't have any episodes in the hospital on the monitors then he should be fine at home.  It still scared me!  He still wasn't feeding the best.  We still were feeding him on his side because honestly, he isn't supposed to be able to suck, swallow, and breath until right now!  Our little guy got a two week head start.  The really scary thing was the germ factor.  How can I prevent this sweet little baby from getting sick?  All of the statuses I read on Facebook are people who are sick.  You walk past someone on the street and they are coughing and sneezing!!  It scares me!!  I have a very ALL BOY six year old at home.  Germ is his middle name along with a few other names too!!!  This was the part that honestly worried me the most.  I was worried that we wouldn't wash our hands enough and we would get him sick!!

On Monday of the final week, my little guy was doing very well with his bottle feedings.  They have to be able to take all of their feedings by bottle every three hours for 48 hours in order to be able to go home.  It was very nerve racking.  I would call the hospital when we woke up to check in with the nurse, I would call her at lunch, I would see her when I got to the hospital after work, and then I would call the night nurse before I went to bed every night.  I had too!  I needed too! I was worried about him taking all of his bottles like he was supposed to.  This was our ticket home!  I also called because it is hard to have a baby and have no idea how or what they are doing.  Yes, I know they eat, sleep, and use the bathroom, but you mom's know exactly what I am talking about.  It is like when you leave them for the first time to go back to work.  Well, image that on an even grander scale.  Not even bringing them home and having to leave them everyday for five weeks!  Anyway, when I would call I would get the update if he was able to take his bottle by mouth.  I was pushing for him to be able to do it, but then again, I didn't want them to push him to hard and he not be ready.  Well, he had made it 24 hours and we were on the down hill slide!  Then I called to check on him and he had given up on feeding by bottle.  He was just to tired!!!  It broke my heart!  I wanted him home so very bad.  I wanted my family to all be together at home.  I wanted to be normal again (whatever that is)!  When I arrived at the hospital the next day, I walked in his room and fell apart.  He looked so small, so lonely, and he looked weak.  Call it mother's intuition, but I knew my little guy didn't look strong like he had the week before. I held him and we talked!  It was time to feed him and they allowed me to bottle feed him.  He did great!!  We were back on track.  The count down for 48 hours would start all over again from this bottle feeding.  He was eating and he was eating well.  The nurses all reassured me that most babies just need a break and then they won't look back!

Well, I went back on Wednesday night and the nurse said he noticed his color wasn't looking good.  I freaked out!!!  I had noticed it too days before!!  I just thought he was tired.  She said they had tested his blood and basically his iron was low.  This can cause them to be weak and tire easily....exactly what he was doing.  She said that in some cases if they don't bring it up he would need a blood transfusion.  I fought back the tears and tried to be strong.  I asked her a million questions about it.  I am sure she was ready for me to hush!!!  She said it was very common.  Premature babies need blood all the time!!  This scared me.  I didn't want my baby to have someone else's blood.  I wanted him to have mine!  He was supposed to have mine.  Apparently, they absorb the iron their little bodies need in the third trimester...well, Mr. Eli skipped the third trimester and this is why his little body was low.

I just sat there holding my little boy tight.  I was worried about his little tired body.  I was worried about him getting blood from someone else.  I was just flat out TIRED!  I was mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted.  I held him!  We had a new roommate that day and it was the little babies aunt that was there visiting with the baby.  I noticed their chart on the outside of the bed was labeled "baby a" out of triplets.  I had only seen two babies associated with this family.  My heart broke for them.  I figured the third baby didn't make it at birth.  Well, come to find out!  The third baby had died the week before.  The triplets were born in October and were all going home within the week.  The baby boy got an infection and had to be put on a ventilator and never came off.  Oh, talk about cry your eyeballs out!  This hit home for me.  Here we were about to go home and the worst might happen.  They were talking about Eli needing blood and how tired he was. I was a wreck.

I managed to make it to the car again that night without showing my feelings on the outside. It is a long and lonely walk to your car every night all by yourself when you leave your flesh and blood on the 2nd floor for someone else to care for!!!  When I got to the car, the first thing I did was get on Facebook.  I knew my Facebook prayer warriors would help!!  I knew how awesome my God was and he was in the answering prayers business!!  I asked for prayers for Eli and his iron levels!  You responded with overwhelming support and God listed to your prayers!  Eli started an iron supplement the next day and he continued to eat and get stronger!  Looks like we would be coming home by the weekend!!!  Stay tuned.....for the fun filled events that occurred on the day we brought Eli home!!

Jenny did you know?

As I sit here and reflect on all that has happened this year.......I realized just how blessed I am!  Babies aren't something that comes easy for me!  We tried over a year to have our first son and I was a nervous wreck during the entire pregnancy.  The pregnancy went very well until the last few weeks when my blood pressure went up.  I was able to deliver a very healthy 7lb. 13 ounce baby boy at 37 weeks!  Well, when we were finally ready for a second child, it was even harder than the first.  We tried for over 2 years and had started to discuss adoption.  Finally, we were blessed with another healthy pregnancy. I didn't worry with this pregnancy!  I was enjoying it!  Then things changed at week 28!!!   I know just how very lucky I am to have had two pregnancies.  My heart breaks for those who so badly want to have this experience.  I pray for these women.  I have been there.....it is so hard to wait!

Now, as I sit here and look at my two sleeping boys, I am so very thankful!!!  Life is truly miraculous!  It is an amazing gift!  I think about the Chirstmas song that I used to hear my mom sing in church when I was younger, "Mary Did You Know".  I have thought about this song several times. Mary did you know you baby boy would someday.......and it lists a host of amazing things that her son, Jesus, would do.  Here was this humble woman giving birth to the King of Kings in a stable.  Mary was given a precious gift, a baby!  A baby that would one day walk on water, save your sons and daughters, give sight to the blind man, calm the storm with his hand.  How awesome!!  Did Mary know?  Here she was in a foreign city giving birth surrounded by animals.  How amazing!  This small baby born in a manger so meekly turned out to be King of Kings!  I thought about this.  This small baby I was given, this small miracle, this amazing work of God.  I asked myself, "Jenny, do you know"?  Do I know what he will become?  What amazing things he will do?  I have already been amazed in so many ways!  I have been given the ultimate gift!  I can't wait to see what he will do!!!  

We are so very thankful this Christmas!  We have been blessed!  I can't even described how amazing it is to watch him grow and change from day to day.  It has been amazing to watch a bond between brothers grow.  My oldest son sings to him all the time!  He watches over him and is amazed at the sounds and smells he makes!!!  It has been a blessing in so many ways.  Then today, my phone gave me my weekly pregnancy update!!  It is week 36!  Which means that Mr. Eli is still supposed to be baking for another month inside my body!!  How totally awesome is that!  Again, I get to watch this little guy mature before my eyes as he would inside the womb!  

We have still had Christmas this year, just in a very different way!  My family of four could not be all together as we traveled to family to family to celebrate Christmas.  We did it in shifts!  My husband would take our oldest son to his side of the family and I would take him to my side of the family!  My sweet nephew had an awesome idea and I was able to watch my oldest open his gifts with my husband via Skype!!  Everyone has been so helpful with us being on lock down!!

This week.....we received the bill!!!!  I have read in my preemie books (thanks to an awesome friend for getting me this books) that the average cost of NICU per day is around $2,000 to $3,000 a week)! The bill for just the facility charges was........$120,000 for five weeks!  Per day in NICU is $2,700!  You know what....this is the best CHRISTmas Present EVER!!!  Eli is PRICELESS!!  The cost of a miracle....PRICELESS!!!!  I will blog about week five very soon!!  I just wanted to express how blessed I am this Christmas!!!

Week 4 - ISN

Week four was still difficult for me!  This would be the first time in four weeks that I didn't drive to the hospital to see my sweet baby.  Jeremy made me take a day off to stay home and keep things normal for our oldest son.  Jeremy assured me that he would be an awesome "mother" to my sweet Eli for me!  He promised he would feed him, love him, and talk to him like I did each day.  I was still working and it made it difficult for Bryson. It was so hard not to drive to Savannah and see my sweet baby on Monday!!  I knew that he was in good hands, but it was hard not to hold my newborn!

This was a busy week for sweet Eli.  On Tuesday, he was circumcised.  On Thursday, he has his RSV shot, and then on Friday he had an eye exam.  This made for a very long week for him.  He also had his car seat challenge.  They have to sit in their car seat for 90 minutes with the monitors hooked up.  They have to be able to sit the entire 90 minutes without any episodes.  They can't have any problems with their breathing or heart rate to be able to pass their test.  If they don't pass, they will be sent home with a car bed!!!  You really learn a lot with a preemie!!!  With preemie's they really like for them to sleep and eat.  When they are awake and crying, they are using calories.  The more calories they burn the less weight they put on.  This week really took a toll on Eli.  He didn't gain a lot of weight and was very tired.  They even asked us not to hold him when we got there several afternoons at the hospital.  They wanted him to sleep until it was a touch time.

He was also adding additional bottles this week.  They start with one and then they will see how they do after several days.  They do not like to tire the babies out with bottles.  He slowed down toward the end of the week and they quit adding bottles to his orders.  He was only taking two bottles a day.  They thought he would do better, but with all of the events this week, it tired him out.  I was okay with that.  I didn't want them to push him and then he regress.    

By week four, we had also already had two other roommates in ISN.  The 2nd roommate was about to head home too!  It was hard to see these babies leave.  I was jealous.  I was ready for my sweet bundle of joy to go home and be with his family.  It also made me nervous.  I was so scared about how I was going to keep him safe and healthy at home!  I was totally fearful of germs!!

On another note, watching babies leaving the NICU/ISN is bitter sweet to watch.  It makes you think of how far they have come and what a wonderful gift it is to be able to take such an amazing gift home.  All I could think about was bringing my own miracle home to his amazing family and his warm home. I could only think of how blessed I was!!  I was so thankful to be chosen to be Eli's mom!!!   I watched different babies leave that were not so lucky.  I don't know everyone's situation just what I observed.  There was this very young woman that on discharge day, was all alone.  She was alone to take her baby home.  The nurse asked her if anyone was going to bring the car around and she said it was just her.  Poor thing, she had to walk down and get her own vehicle while the nurse brought her baby down.  A single mom to raise a small baby on her own.  A single mom to take care and keep her baby healthy all by herself!   Many times, my heart was touched and made me see how very fortunate so many of us are.  We often take the small things in our lives for granted.  This was God working on me!  I used to be very negative about all of the things that just seemed to keep going wrong in my life.  I just couldn't see the positive!  Well, God has a way of waking you up!  My miracle made me see the positive and how the small things are just small things!  Many negative things happened while we were back and forth to the hospital, but they were small in-comparison.  Our dogs were picked up and taken to the pound.  One was adopted before we could get her back.  Our debit card number was stolen and used.  This was our only debit card.  Our account was closed!  Normally, I would have been devastated, however, I realized these were all small things.  Things I couldn't change....God had given me a miracle.  A sweet baby boy weighing three pounds.  He was my big thing!  He was my positive thing!!  God is so amazing!!!

Why me?

I can honestly say, I never asked "why me"!  I asked myself, "why not me"?  I have been blessed.  Why should I not get to see God's miraculous work outside of the womb?  I get to witness his miracle first hand every single day.  I get to see what happens from week 29 to week 40.  Instead of it happening inside my body, God is allowing me to witness it with my own eyes.  I get to see how his skin changes, how the hair grow, his eyebrows come in, and his rays of sunshine as a call them (eyelashes) develop.  How his nervous system changes from week to week.  It is a true miracle to watch it happen before your eyes.  I'm not sure how you simply can't believe in God if you think about the miracle of birth.  It honestly is a true miracle that two people can create life.  God is definitely amazing.  I am blessed to be able to see what God is doing for Eli before my eyes.  Not only before my eyes, but as a testimony of his greatness before so many other people too.  I asked for the miracle and I got it.  Eli has been an amazing gift!!!  I so glad me picked me!!!

I have never questioned God as to why Eli came so early, but used it as a witness for his amazing goodness and power!  I have thought about the benefits of having a preemie so many different times.  There are a ton of reasons.  As I stated before, the best reason is for the testimony!  I also knew my first son was different and he was full term.  Bryson was born with wheels.  He is six now, but I knew before he was a year old that he was ADHD.  He was always on the go and just busy.  He was never content.  I dreamed of having a child I could sit and read to.  Well, I could read to him if I chased him!!!   I can remember apologizing so many times for him because he was so busy and impulsive as a toddler.  I can remember crying because he seemed so different. I have read so many books on boys and ADHD!!!!  However, over the years I have realized that God gave me Bryson to teach me patience, to make me appreciate the small things, to make me enjoy life a little more, and to make me a better teacher.  Having Bryson has made me realize that all children are not alike.  Bryson can learn and listen even when you think he isn't.  He isn't the perfect cookie cutter kid.  He isn't going to sit still, but that doesn't mean he isn't listening.  He has the biggest heart!  He would do anything for anyone!  He seems rough and tough but he has an extremely sensitive side too!    Having Bryson has help me become a better teacher.  I understand these type of children so much better.  I doesn't bother me to have a student that stands or sits on their knees because I know my own child is just like this!  I am also able to relate to parents with kids with ADHD.  I am better equipped to talk with them about their own problems at home or in the classroom because I can relate.  I have been through the same things.  It is not easy to have a child with a disability.  I graduated with honors from high school, college, and with my Master's degree.  It is hard to learn that your child is different.  It is not easy to watch your child struggle because he is different.  You have to take yourself out of the equation and think about what is best for your child.  Bryson has helped me do this!!!  God gave me Bryson for a reason!

Eli was given to me for a reason too!  Eli still has a lot to teach me!  I have already learned so much about preemie's.  I know God gave me Eli for a reason too!  An important question in school if your child is having problems is......drum roll.......at what week was your baby born?????    Well, most babies that have problems, developmental delays or other specific issues were born early!!  I know this!  This is what terrified me about him being born so early when the problems started!  However, now I look at it as a blessing.  Eli will teach me, so I can teach others.  It has been an amazing journey to learn through my kids.

If someone asked me if I would change anything about the last four and a half weeks, I would tell them, NO!  Nope, I wouldn't change a thing!  God had a plan.  It is still in the works.  I have seen part of the plan unfold before my eyes.  I will watch the plan unfold as my sweet Eli grows over the years.  I just have to sit back and enjoy the plan.  As OCD as I am, I just have to trust God.  God has a plan!  I am blessed to be the mother of two not so average little boys!!!  God didn't say life would be easy, but he did say he would go every step of the way with you!!!!

Week 3 - NICU/ISN

Week 3 was still hard!  This was the week of Thanksgiving!  This year we had so much to be thankful for, but it was still difficult.  Yes, I was off from work, but there still wasn't anytime for resting.  Each day, I would drive to Savannah to spend time with my sweet Eli.  I did a lot of reflecting this week.  I would think about the person I passed in the parking garage or the person on the elevator with me.  Each of these people were probably going through their own trials and tribulations.  They were at the hospital, so they too had a loved one or someone close to them sick or ill.  Sometimes it is easy to get caught up in what is happening in our own lives that we forget to put ourselves in someone else shoes.  I tried to think about this each day as I passed different people from all walks of life.

 I have to be honest, I have been so worried about my sweet baby Eli having a set-back or regressing that it was hard for me to be excited about the little steps he was making.  I was so afraid that something would happen.  I finally stepped back and began to reflect!   When I stepped back, I saw how awesome God was.  I saw how amazing my friends and family were.  I saw all of the prayers for my family and sweet Eli.  I saw all of those prayers from all of those people being answered!  It made me even more thankful for my sweet Eli and how far he had come.  I was so thankful for all of the prayers, comments, supper, help, texts, and love I have gotten from friends, family, neighbors, Facebook friends, and even complete strangers.

This week Eli was making big steps.  They were increasing his feedings and he was growing.  Jeremy and I were there one Friday night with him and he was eating (feeding through his ng tube in his stomach) and his alarms all started going off.  I began to panic a little, because most of the time the alarms will go off because he will forget to breath or his is just moving.  Well, they continued to drop and I noticed his color began to change.  He turned a pale blue.  He was dusky as the nurses call it.  He was not breathing.  My heart sank.  I held back the tears.  The nurses walked in and she calmly talked us through it because he caught himself and began to breath again.  She said that it looked like he was refluxing.  It is very painful for babies to reflux.  It hurts and with him having the tube down his throat it doesn't totally close and the formula can come back up even easier.  She said they stop breathing to keep the formula from coming back up.  I was rocking him too.  She also said that was another reason.  The rocking isn't good for them.  It is harder for them to keep their food down.  I was scared.  I didn't want anything to happen to my sweet baby.  I prayed for him.  I hated to leave that night, but I had faith in God that he would be protected.  I immediately asked for prayers for his reflux when I got home.  Our God is so good.  As I look back on that week, I see how wonderful our God is and the power of prayer.  Baby Eli's reflux is very minimal and it doesn't seem to bother him like it did.  God is good!  Prayer works people!!!

Bryson got to visit his little brother for the 2nd time this week.  Bryson was in awe of his brother.  He wasn't able to touch him or get close because of the germ factor but Bryson sure was excited.  Bryson had only seen him one other time in the incubator when he was two days old.  Bryson already seems very protective of him and has gotten emotional a few times because he is sad baby brother is all alone in the hospital.  He is ready for him to come home!  Although, he is going to teach him how to not cry!!!

Week 2 - NICU/ISN and going back to work

The second week was very hard for me.  I've been told I am a very hard-headed person.  I just roll my eyes, but if you know me.....chances are you will agree!  I don't like to ask for help.  I am a do-it-all-by-myself kind of girl. I always have been.  I am just independent!  I had a C-section on Friday and was driving on Tuesday. I know....a big no-no!!!  I was fussed at by nurses in the NICU, friends, family, and everyone else under the sun!  If you are a mom, you understand.  I had to drive! I had to see my baby!  I had tons of volunteers to drive me, but I am hard-headed and don't like to ask for help!  My sister did drive me one day and helped me get groceries because I couldn't lift.  Anyways, by week two I was just physically and emotionally exhausted.  There is no rest for the weary!!  

This was a hard week too because I made the tough decision of going back to work! I am working ten short days after a C-section.   I am a planner.....aggravates my husband to death.  I like to plan.  Well, this wasn't in my plan.  I didn't plan on using two of my weeks up with being in the hospital with no baby at home.  This wasn't part of my master plan I had mapped out inside my tired little brain!!!  I had to go back to work.  No matter how worn out and emotionally fatigued I was, there was no other choice.  I had to save what few days I had left to be able to stay home with my sweet Eli when he comes home.  I have to work.  I am still not going to be able to stay home the entire amount of time I would like, but I am grateful for the few weeks I do have left to spend with him.  

It was good to be back and on a schedule for our six year old.  He attends school where I work and this made it easier for both of us.  He was glad to have mommy back at school.  I would work all day at school and then leave when the children left.  I would rush home and jump in the shower.  I had to wash after being at school all day.  Preemie's are very susceptible to germs.  Like I have stated before, I am now a germ freak!!!   So, I go home wash, change clothes and get ready all over again!  Then I drop Bryson off with someone or meet Jeremy on I-16 with him and then head to Savannah.  I can usually make it to the hospital by 4:00 or 4:15.  I get to hold my sweet baby for 45 minutes before his 5:00 p.m. feeding.  I feed my sweet baby and then hold him for another hour or so.  We talk and I just admire my sweet little miracle.  I have gotten a little bit braver with him by this point and softly kiss the top of his tiny head.  He smells so sweet!  I love to rub his golden hair on either side of his tiny little ears.  He just sleeps in peace on my chest.  When I hold him, his heart rate, oxygen rate, and respiratory rate hold steady.  He is calm.  I believe he knows he is safe in his mothers arms.  I hold him and just cry.  I hate to leave my baby.  As the time draws near for me to leave each night, I begin to pray for him.  I again pray for his nurses and doctors.  I pray for the other baby in his room that doesn't have visitors very often.  I pray that he knows how much I love him.  I pray that when I leave that he feels safe and that he know how very much he is loved.  I pray for God to wrap his arms around him and help him to feel safe even when I am not there.  I dry my tears and place him back in his bed.  I stand there and make sure he is asleep.  I can't leave until he is sleeping.  I have to know he is resting.  Then I check and recheck his monitors a thousands times before I leave.  Then I quietly whisper, "I love you Eli, mama will see you tomorrow".  I also tell him "remember to breath, I love you sweet boy".  Then I pack up his dirty clothes and walk away.  The walking away part is the hardest.  I stop at the door and say one more silent pray.   Then I leave.  I keep my composer as I sign out, enter the elevator, and make it to the parking garage.  Then once I am alone in my car, I cry!  I sob!  It is so very hard to leave a small sick baby at the hospital.  I am his mother.  I am supposed to care for him and make the world better for him!!!  I finally calm myself down enough to drive. 

Once I drive home, the day is still not over.  There is housework to be done. Homework to be finished.  Daddy does homework, but spelling words are mama's area.  So, we study spelling words and read his book.  I try to spend time with my oldest son, but he doesn't understand.  He just asks me why it took me so long.  He says "you didn't want to see me'?  This breaks my heart.  I cry again.  I try to explain I am a mother to two boys and they both need my love.  Then we pack book bags, find supper, and take baths.  Then it is time for mama to do her school work and try to get caught up.  I am just so tired.  I am exhausted.  The thing I do best is cry!  I can't explain it.  

People have tried to tell me that I might not need to go everyday.  I am his mother.  I have to go everyday.  I need to go everyday.  It is very hard, but he needs me and I need him.  There have been several times when I have went and he just seemed agitated or not himself.  One time, he was cold.  I could feel his little boy and he was cold.  He was very restless this day.  He just wasn't himself.  I asked the nurse, and she double checked him.  His temperature monitor was on his back and he had been laying on it.  The temperature in the bed had turned off because it was saying he was hot.  My baby was cold.  This was just mother's intuition.  I knew he was different.  I knew something was wrong.  If I had not gone that day, they might not have found it until much later.  He needs his mama!   Another time, he had thrown up all over his clothes and bedding.  I changed him and made him more comfortable.  These are things a mama does.  This is why I go.  I will just sport black and blue circles under my eyes for a few weeks!  :)  

Week 2 was a long week.  I am so very thankful for all of the people that have helped us.  I will blog about this later.  I couldn't have made it during week 2 without super family and friends.  

Holding my miracle for the first time

There are so many other things to think about while your baby is NICU.  There are all different types of papers and consents to sign.  We had to sign a consent form for Eli to get a PICC line.  It sounds so simple, sure we can sign for him to get a PICC line and then you read what can happen.  They can go to far when doing a PICC line and hit the heart, they can get a serious infection and a host of other things.  We just had to look at what was best for him in the long run.  We knew getting a PICC line would be better for him than getting stuck every few days for an IV.  They shut the entire pod down and treat the room like a sterile environment.  There are only a few certified nurses that are qualified to insert these PICC lines in preemie's.  I was a nervous wreck until they called to tell me everything was fine with his line.  

Random things about preemie babies.  When they are first born, they don't feed them.  Eli didn't have formula until day 2.  There bodies are ready for food yet.  It is still my job to be feeding him.  My body is supposed to be supplying his food.  So, they give them sugar water for the first 24 hours.  After this time, they start them with formula.  He got 4 cc's the first day.  He would get this much every four hours.  Then before he would eat again, they would pull out what was inside of his stomach from the previous feeding.  This is called residual.  They have to see what the baby is digesting and what they aren't so they will know whether or not to increase their formula intake.  Then they give what is left right back to them.  The tube is right inside their stomach.

Babies born this early aren't ready to breath on their own either.  Again, that is my job as a mommy.  I am supposed to be breathing for him while he is inside my womb.  They don't really develop this skill until 34 weeks.  They can breath on their own before now, but they often forget to do it because it was being done for them while they were in the womb.  So, to help babies with this they give them caffeine.  YES!!!  Caffeine!!  I already have one ADHD child and I will be proud to have another one if that is what it takes to help him remember to breath.  They give these little babies liquid caffeine to help them remember to breath!

 

Only two short days after they inserted his PICC line, they told us that he was moving.  He was only six days old.  What do you mean he is moving.  They said that he was doing well enough that he didn't need the supervision of NICU and he would be moving to a step down unit.  I was excited and nervous at the same time.  I liked the thought of him staying in NICU.  I knew there were nurses buzzing around everywhere.  Someone would always be watching my sweet baby!!!  It also made me happy that he was doing well enough for a step down unit.  However, I was still a nervous wreck.  I was so afraid that he would regress.  I knew that he had been working so hard to breath on his own that I was afraid that he would get tired and need more care than he was getting.  Eli came into this world breathing on his own.  He didn't require the help of any machines!  This in its self was a miracle too!  God is so very good!!  Eli did have room air via a nasal tube for almost two days to help him remember to breath.  Well, after he pulled it out twice, they decided he didn't need it.  It was gone after he ripped it out!!  They moved him on November 13th around 6:00 P.M.  It was a Thursday.  I called twice that night to make sure he was okay in his new home.  Friday was very exciting for me because I got to visit him in his new home and I got to hold my baby boy for the very first time.  

Holding Eli for the first time was so amazing.  I was scared too!  I'm used to 8 lb babies!!  I wasn't sure what to do with a 3 lb. baby.  I wanted to do kangaroo care with him because of the benefits for both of us.  Kangaroo care is basically skin to skin contact while you hold the baby.  They lay on your chest.  It is very helpful for preemie's.  The skin to skin contact helps keep the baby warm while they are outside of the incubator, it promotes boding for mom and child, it helps with digestion, and nursing.  

I sat in the chair with a hospital gown on.  The nurse picked my sweet baby up out of his bed and he was so very tiny.  His little diaper about to fall off and his long legs dangling underneath him.  He just looked so small!!!  She placed his tiny body on my chest! He was so very warm!  He was so small on my chest.  He curled into a little ball.  I could feel the tear welling up in my eyes.  I blinked them away and just covered him with a blanket and held my sweet baby boy for the very first time!  Seven long days had past, but the wait was over and it was well worth it.  I held sweet Eli on my chest for one hour!  It was the most amazing hour.  I talked very softly to him.  They say that preemie's don't like to be rubbed or talked to very loudly.  I always kept my words short.  I wanted him to know it was his mom each time, so I just would repeat over and over. "Hey, Eli, I love you".  Your mama loves you"! I would just keep repeating this a few times and then I would just sit in silence and hold my baby.  I would pray over him.  I would thank God for allowing me to hold this miracle.  I would pray for the nurses and doctors that took care of him.  I would just pray!

Behind closed doors - Week 1 in NICU

NICU is a whole new experience.  There is a lot to learn.  Hand washing, sign in/out, visitors, courtesy, germs, and the list goes on and on.  It is very overwhelming when you walk into the unit.  It is divided into four pods.  Each pod can hold well over 8 - 10 babies.  There are nurses, doctors, and medical students roaming around everywhere.  The sounds are another story.  There are bells, whistles, alarms, and horns going off every second.  You learn what the sounds means.  It means someones babies heart rate is dropping or they aren't breathing or a host of other things.  It is very scary.  You immediately look at your child's monitor to make sure they are breathing, their heart rate is steady and their oxygen level is steady.  The monitors make you a nervous wreck.  The nurses quickly tell you not to look at the monitor or to even pay it any attention.  That is very hard to do!!!  That is all you do.  You stand their and look at your baby and then you look at the monitor.  I have read lately that some moms develop PTSD.  The sounds and the stress of the whole experience becomes to overwhelming and hard to handle after the fact.

They also teach you about respect in the unit.  They ask you not to look at the other sick babies, to point, or to talk about any of the other babies in the unit.  This is so hard to do.  There are so many other babies around.  There are big babies and super tiny babies.  There are babies worse off than yours and there are babies that are much healthier than yours.  The most difficult part is watching their bedside continue to be empty day after day.  I can't judge.....I wasn't there 24 hours to know if they had visitors or not.  However, most of the time, some of the babies didn't have anyone.  I know how hard it is for me to visit everyday.  It is hard to balance another kid at home, work all day, Bryson's homework at night, supper, school work, and life in-between to be able to visit every afternoon.  My husband and family are great, but they aren't mom.  There are so many things that require mom!!!  This is the hard part.   I have been to the hospital everyday for three weeks.  It is costly.  The gas is terribly expensive and it is an hour to drive each way.  With saying all that,I am extremely fortunate to be able to visit each day.  There are some families that can't afford to travel each day or live to far, or have to many other children at home.  I have also learned that there are some parents who can't handle the situation, so they don't visit.  I pray for each of these babies everyday!  It is a very hard thing to deal with as a parent.  I say this, to ask for prayers for these babies and their families as well.  It is not easy to have a baby in NICU.

GERMS!!! I was a total GERM freak when I had my first son!  Well, all of that changed very quickly if you know my first son!  His nickname is tater!!!  When he was about 2 years old, he came walking up in a store eating a tater log....the store didn't sell tater logs.  He just found it on the floor!!  Needless to say, I got over my germ-phobia.  Well, it has started ALL over again!  It has to.  He is so young and his lungs are so small and his immune system is so weak that he is susceptible to so many things. I have to be his protector!!  I wash and then wash again.  We will keep handatizer (as my son calls it) on hand ALL the time.

The first time I saw sweet Eli I smiled and cried at the same time!  I was so happy to see that sweet baby and so thankful for him and his health.  I was also so very sad.  It is so sad to see your baby hooked up to IV's, monitors, and know the struggle that is ahead of him.  The worse part....I couldn't touch my baby!  Do you know how unnatural it feels to carry a baby inside your baby for almost seven months, feel him kick and then suddenly it is gone?  You have your baby, but when you go to your room it is empty.  It is not natural.  You want to hold your baby, you want to kiss his head, you want to feed him.   You want him to feel your love!  You want to be his mother!  You just can't!!!  You can't hold him for seven days!!!  Pure torture!!!  His little body is still not developed enough.  He must stay in humidity for seven days to help his little skin develop.  It is hard to just watch him lay there.  I prayed over him everyday, multiple times a day!

The day I left the hospital was so hard.  It is so hard to leave your child behind.  Again, it is so unnatural.  I needed him and he needed me!!  However, I knew the best place for him was the hospital.  The nurses and doctors are trained to look after these sweet babies.  I was counting down the days until I could hold him.  Then I had to make another tough decision.  That decision - go back to work.  I had to work, so I could save my days and be home for him.  More on that later and the first time I held my sweet baby boy!!!!

I've tried to blog before but couldn't seem to find the time!  Now, I have even less time so I have no idea why I am trying this again!  Right now it is easier for me to type about my experiences so far rather than telling each person that asks. I seem to cry when asked about Eli.   It has not been an easy journey.  Rather an emotional roller coaster!  I am so very thankful to be given a ticket for this ride, but it hasn't been an easy one!  It is so hard to talk about things when everyone asks me.  I just seem to cry!  I am just worn out!  I will start with the story of the night my sweet miracle was born!!!

After two long years of trying for this sweet miracle, we were so very excited and very nervous!  With our first son being six years old, we knew it would be like starting over for us!  We haven't set up anything or bought anything for our little bundle of joy.  We knew we had almost three months. He didn't even have a name!!!  As a teacher, names aren't easy!!!  I have taught a kid with "that" name before!!!    I mean my due date wasn't until January 22, 2014!!!
It had been the perfect pregnancy!  Well, all that changed on Monday, November 4th!  It was a normal Monday.  I was teaching but noticed I was hurting a little more than normal.  Around lunch I started bleeding and my heart fell apart.  I drove quickly to Savannah.  I prayed the entire way there through the tears!  My doctor wasn't in, but another doctor examined me and sent me home.  The bleeding and contractions increased and we went to the ER that afternoon.  My sweet daddy drove me and my husband met us at the hospital.  They immediately gave me medication to stop the contractions.  After the 2nd shot, it seemed to work.  I kept asking how the baby was.  They keep telling me that he awesome.  He had no idea what was going on.  His little world was still safe and perfect.  They gave me shots to help his lungs develop just in case he did decide to come early.  I fell apart!  I told them it was way to early for him to come.  The resident (doctor on call) held my hand and reassured me that they would do they could for him if he did come early.  I was 28 weeks at this point.  With tears streaming down my face, I told her I knew they would do everything they could, but as a teacher I know the long term with babies born this early.  I want the best for my son!!  As doctors, there job is to save the baby.  As a mom, my job is to give him the best.  This scared me....I wanted to do my part as his mom and keep him in longer.  He needed to grow!  They assured me that he wasn't coming that night and each day he was inside was better for him.  The plan was to send me home on bed rest.  The next morning I had another ultrasound and the baby was perfectly fine!  He looked great!  The ultrasound didn't show anything wrong with me or the baby.  He was 2lbs. 12 ounces on Tuesday morning.  My doctor finally determined that I had placenta abruption.  Which is basically a small tear in my placenta.  They said it wasn't anything I had done to cause it!  Still, as a mother, you feel guilty.  My job is to keep him safe and growing for the entire 40 weeks.

By Thursday, the contractions had stopped!  I felt good!  I sent my mom and Jeremy home.  I would be fine by myself!!  Our oldest son needed his daddy!  He needed his little world to be normal too!!  Around 7:00 p.m., I was very uncomfortable.  The contractions and severe bleeding had started all over!!!  I was devastated.  I was in severe pain.  I tried to be brave as long as I could. The pain was intense! The contractions earlier in the week were not progressing me toward labor.  However, this time was different.  I kept telling the nurse I was having contractions, but nothing was picking up on the monitor.  I called Jeremy around 9:00 p.m. and told him that I thought he needed to come that things were getting worse.  Jeremy finally made it by 10:00 p.m.  He drove 100 miles per hour the entire way to the hospital and a police turned their lights on him.  He called 911 and explained the situation and they turned around.  He said he wasn't stopping for anyone!!  The doctor on call finally checked me because I was in immense pain.  When she checked, I was dilated to a 5.  She calmly told me that I would have to deliver tonight.  My heart sank.  Jeremy held my hand and I cried.  I told him that I was ready.  I had prayed already and asked God to please look after our little one.  My body was so tired and in so much pain.  I didn't know how much more I could take.  It is hard to explain, but at this point I was calm.  I knew God had his hand on me and my baby.  I asked him to give me a miracle!!  I prayed for the nurses and doctors as they took care of my sweet baby.  Jeremy held my had before they took me to the operating room and he simply said, "he still doesn't have a name"!  Right there, with our hands together we decided on Eli.  Our miracle now had a name!  I was whisked off to the operating room and prepped for a C-section.  My doctor arrived and everyone assured me they would take care of my sweet Eli as soon as he was born.  All I could think of was that sweet cry when Bryson was born (my first) and how I wouldn't hear that with this little one.
God is GOOD!  My doctor held him up and he cried!!!  The cry meant he was breathing!!!!!  I cried!!!  My doctor was so excited!  She told Jeremy to get the camera ready.  We were so unprepared....all we had was his cell phone!  He snapped one picture!  They had already told me that they would take him and it would be several hours before I would see him because they would have to do some much work on him.  Within 10 minutes, this itty bitty tiny baby was brought back into the operating room for his mama to kiss his tiny head!  God is so GOOD!  They told us his weight and his APGAR score.  He was 3lbs exactly and 16 inches long at 29 weeks!!!!  His APGAR score was 9 out of  9.  My doctor started laughing.  She said, "that has never happened before".  "They have never brought a 29 week baby back into the operating room, breathing on his own with an APGAR score of 9/9.  She said most full term babies don't score that well.  10 is the best and it is hard to get.  She was amazed at what she had just witnessed!!  What she and the rest of the NICU team, nurses, an anesthesiologist had witnessed was a miracle!  A miracle from God!  My three pound baby boy was born in this world at 29 weeks.  His name is Eli.  A letter for each pound!!!  Thank you God for our sweet miracle.  I prayed hard for a miracle and God answered!!!!