Week 2 - NICU/ISN and going back to work

The second week was very hard for me.  I've been told I am a very hard-headed person.  I just roll my eyes, but if you know me.....chances are you will agree!  I don't like to ask for help.  I am a do-it-all-by-myself kind of girl. I always have been.  I am just independent!  I had a C-section on Friday and was driving on Tuesday. I know....a big no-no!!!  I was fussed at by nurses in the NICU, friends, family, and everyone else under the sun!  If you are a mom, you understand.  I had to drive! I had to see my baby!  I had tons of volunteers to drive me, but I am hard-headed and don't like to ask for help!  My sister did drive me one day and helped me get groceries because I couldn't lift.  Anyways, by week two I was just physically and emotionally exhausted.  There is no rest for the weary!!  

This was a hard week too because I made the tough decision of going back to work! I am working ten short days after a C-section.   I am a planner.....aggravates my husband to death.  I like to plan.  Well, this wasn't in my plan.  I didn't plan on using two of my weeks up with being in the hospital with no baby at home.  This wasn't part of my master plan I had mapped out inside my tired little brain!!!  I had to go back to work.  No matter how worn out and emotionally fatigued I was, there was no other choice.  I had to save what few days I had left to be able to stay home with my sweet Eli when he comes home.  I have to work.  I am still not going to be able to stay home the entire amount of time I would like, but I am grateful for the few weeks I do have left to spend with him.  

It was good to be back and on a schedule for our six year old.  He attends school where I work and this made it easier for both of us.  He was glad to have mommy back at school.  I would work all day at school and then leave when the children left.  I would rush home and jump in the shower.  I had to wash after being at school all day.  Preemie's are very susceptible to germs.  Like I have stated before, I am now a germ freak!!!   So, I go home wash, change clothes and get ready all over again!  Then I drop Bryson off with someone or meet Jeremy on I-16 with him and then head to Savannah.  I can usually make it to the hospital by 4:00 or 4:15.  I get to hold my sweet baby for 45 minutes before his 5:00 p.m. feeding.  I feed my sweet baby and then hold him for another hour or so.  We talk and I just admire my sweet little miracle.  I have gotten a little bit braver with him by this point and softly kiss the top of his tiny head.  He smells so sweet!  I love to rub his golden hair on either side of his tiny little ears.  He just sleeps in peace on my chest.  When I hold him, his heart rate, oxygen rate, and respiratory rate hold steady.  He is calm.  I believe he knows he is safe in his mothers arms.  I hold him and just cry.  I hate to leave my baby.  As the time draws near for me to leave each night, I begin to pray for him.  I again pray for his nurses and doctors.  I pray for the other baby in his room that doesn't have visitors very often.  I pray that he knows how much I love him.  I pray that when I leave that he feels safe and that he know how very much he is loved.  I pray for God to wrap his arms around him and help him to feel safe even when I am not there.  I dry my tears and place him back in his bed.  I stand there and make sure he is asleep.  I can't leave until he is sleeping.  I have to know he is resting.  Then I check and recheck his monitors a thousands times before I leave.  Then I quietly whisper, "I love you Eli, mama will see you tomorrow".  I also tell him "remember to breath, I love you sweet boy".  Then I pack up his dirty clothes and walk away.  The walking away part is the hardest.  I stop at the door and say one more silent pray.   Then I leave.  I keep my composer as I sign out, enter the elevator, and make it to the parking garage.  Then once I am alone in my car, I cry!  I sob!  It is so very hard to leave a small sick baby at the hospital.  I am his mother.  I am supposed to care for him and make the world better for him!!!  I finally calm myself down enough to drive. 

Once I drive home, the day is still not over.  There is housework to be done. Homework to be finished.  Daddy does homework, but spelling words are mama's area.  So, we study spelling words and read his book.  I try to spend time with my oldest son, but he doesn't understand.  He just asks me why it took me so long.  He says "you didn't want to see me'?  This breaks my heart.  I cry again.  I try to explain I am a mother to two boys and they both need my love.  Then we pack book bags, find supper, and take baths.  Then it is time for mama to do her school work and try to get caught up.  I am just so tired.  I am exhausted.  The thing I do best is cry!  I can't explain it.  

People have tried to tell me that I might not need to go everyday.  I am his mother.  I have to go everyday.  I need to go everyday.  It is very hard, but he needs me and I need him.  There have been several times when I have went and he just seemed agitated or not himself.  One time, he was cold.  I could feel his little boy and he was cold.  He was very restless this day.  He just wasn't himself.  I asked the nurse, and she double checked him.  His temperature monitor was on his back and he had been laying on it.  The temperature in the bed had turned off because it was saying he was hot.  My baby was cold.  This was just mother's intuition.  I knew he was different.  I knew something was wrong.  If I had not gone that day, they might not have found it until much later.  He needs his mama!   Another time, he had thrown up all over his clothes and bedding.  I changed him and made him more comfortable.  These are things a mama does.  This is why I go.  I will just sport black and blue circles under my eyes for a few weeks!  :)  

Week 2 was a long week.  I am so very thankful for all of the people that have helped us.  I will blog about this later.  I couldn't have made it during week 2 without super family and friends.